When you meet a chick you think you might marry one day, the first question you ask yourself is: “DEAR LORD, HOW DID I EVER GET MYSELF INTO THIS MESS?!?!” If you can somehow answer that question, the next question is obvious: “WILL THIS LOVELY LADY EVENTUALLY TURN INTO A BIG FAT FATTY?!?!”
We can safely assume YOU will never lose your sculpted bod, full head of hair, or overall sex drive, but there’s no guarantee SHE won’t pack on the pounds the minute you slip a ring on her fleetingly svelte finger. And while I realize it’s perfectly normal for any person to gain a pound or two over the years, but what if she adds three pounds? Or four?!?!?!
Without the benefit of a plutonium-fueled Delorean, George Carlin-blessed phone booth, or whatever powered the hot tub in that movie from a couple years ago, it’s impossible to know whether the love of your life will indefinitely retain the exact proportions she has now, or swell to the size and shape of a Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon.
Fortunately, there are a few strategies that can help you determine whether or not you’ll be buying her a silver seat-belt extender for your 25th wedding anniversary.
Take a little gander in her freezer to find out what kind of frozen foods we’re working with. If more than 96% of her icebox is dedicated to pre-packaged diet meals, it’s very possible you’ll wind up with bulk-good buyer’s remorse.
It’s always good policy to root through the medicine cabinet, diary, and financial records of someone you’re supposed to trust for the rest of your life, but a simple gander under the bed can reveal so much more. Red flags include:
☐ Exercise equipment – though at first you might be encouraged to see several pieces of ab-centric apparati, the fact that they’re folded-up and shoved under the bed means they get about as much use as Ted’s ten year old pack of condoms… which he also smoothly stores under the bed.
☐ Candy bar wrappers – not only is she chomping down sweets late at night, she’s also kind of a slob. Gross.
☐ Monsters – always a good idea to check because you just never know.
☐ Cinderblock reinforcements – if she needs more than a galvanized metal frame to support her bed just think what a disaster it’ll be when she finally agrees to her first three-way!
☐ Ex-boyfriend – she obviously has trouble letting go of things, which could very well include poor dietary and/or exercise habits. Keep a close eye on this one…
Fill a bathtub with warm water. Using a #2 pencil, make a tiny mark at the waterline. Sprinkle some rose petals around the tub, light a few candles, crank up the Van Halen and invite your lady to take a relaxing, romantic bath. As her body causes the water to rise, discretely measure the height of the displacement. If it’s greater than 1.25 inches you might be marrying an iceberg with boobs, for as the old Inuit proverb goes, “A whale can hide its belly, but not its biometric density.”
Every girl’s got ‘em. Pants that used to fit perfectly but over the years have gotten just a liiiiiiiiittle too tight. And while everyone holds on to a few items of yesteryear clothing for daily inspiration, when the ratio of closet pants to regular rotation pants exceeds 1:1, be on alert for runaway outflation.
Your Mama’s So Fat…
Despite all the great advances in modern technology there is still no better indicator that your betrothed might blimp out than an enormous, Buddha-shaped mother. Sadly, the two most obvious ways to gauge a mother’s size contain fatal flaws:
• “Testing” the accuracy of a bathroom scale while Christmas shopping means you have to go Christmas shopping with her.
• Digging through her purse to find her driver’s license so you can add the requisite 35 pounds to her listed weight leaves you vulnerable to any unwanted, battery-operated device discoveries…
Therefore the best strategy to scale a mother is to find a recent picture of her next to an object of known size for comparison, such as a pick-up truck or commercial dumpster.