CHICKEN, FISH, OR WHINY CHICK WHO JUST WANTS TO TALK?
Anyone who has ever attended a destination wedding knows how important it is on Friday night to choose the right bang buddy. Saddle up with a stud and the next two days are sublime; saddle up with a dud and the next two days are subprime.
To help my best friend, Ted, from inevitably choosing a chaste chatterer at my own wedding, I decided to send each of my guests a questionnaire which I then used to rank his targets from “most likely to bed” to “most likely to dread.”
Here’s what I sent each of my guests…
Barney & Robin’s Wedding Weekend Questionnaire
(You know, just a fun way for the bride and groom to get to know their guests a little better! We’ll put this in a scrapbook or some crap like that!)
1) You are a:
Male __________ Female __________
If you answered “Male”, please skip to the end of the questionnaire. Actually, don’t even bother sending it back. Thanks for wasting everyone’s time.
2) Age: __________
3) Cup size: __________
4) Weight: __________
5) Friends would describe your body type as…
A) Trash can
D) Always bent over something
6) Do you have a husband or boyfriend?
If you answered “NO” please skip ahead to QUESTION 7. If you answered “YES” please respond to the following sub-questions.
A) Is your husband or boyfriend planning on attending the wedding?
B) If so, is he a big dude?
C) Okay, even if he’s not a big dude, is he like one of those wiry guys who’s sneaky strong or, like, way into some stupid martial art?
7) If you’re just coming out of a long-term relationship, are you looking to take a break from men, or get back at that jerk with the first loser architect you meet?
8) How likely are you to keep calling a guy after having sex with him at my wedding?
B) SOMEWHAT UNLIKELY
C) NEITHER LIKELY NOR UNLIKELY
D) SOMEWHAT LIKELY
E) WILL STALK HIM UNTIL HE AGREES TO MEET MY PARENTS
9) Do you like drinking? Please choose one:
YES OF COURSE!
10) In the space below, please draw your body to the best of your ability. (NOTE: You’re more than welcome to simply attach a recent photo of yourself partying on a pontoon boat and/or making out with another chick.)
11) How willing would you be to allow a former lover to share intimate pictures of yourself with their friends, especially those friends that are about to get married? Please indicate your expected level of willingness on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 meaning, “Hell no! I’m going to tell your new wife, Robin, you even suggested this!” and 10 meaning, “Why bother with pictures? He can just sit in the closet and watch! Heck, maybe even tag-in if the mood strikes.”
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
12) If you attend a couple’s wedding and their marriage winds up falling apart, possibly as a result of someone sharing intimate pictures with the groom, would you entertain the notion of having sex with the groom to console him? Provided of course your answer to Question 4 is less than 120, fully-clothed.
13) If pushed, how long could you continuously engage in a strenuous activity, assuming that sweat and fatigue would only fuel your desire?
14) Okay, what if you’re pulled?
15) If for some reason the bride were not able to consummate the marriage, would you be willing to step up and get filled in?
16) How about this weather, huh?
17) I promise I won’t tell anyone your answer, but who is the biggest slut attending the wedding? (Wedding party excluded.)
18) There will be wine tasting, a slideshow, and other boring events at our wedding. If you were to engage in sexual relations with a guest at said wedding, would you expect said person to attend said boring events with you if he wants to run it back with you later that night?
YES NO. I’M A HUMAN BEING, NOT A MONSTER.
20) Do you think this wedding is likely to awaken feelings of wanting to finally settle down, get married, and be monogamous with the love of your life? OR, will it spur the throes of passion, making you realize all your wild oats need to be sewn right now, this weekend? Please circle the option that best describes your mindset:
A) Ready to settle down
B) Still a few oats to be sewn
C) Pretty much would do it with any guy, even if he quotes poetry or something lame like that
Thanks for participating in this brief but important survey! Your answers and identity will be protected under strict anonymity. NOTE: Please attach a recent 8 x 10 headshot and your social security number… you know, for the bride.