My best friend Ted and I just came up with the greatest idea since implants: adopting a baby! It promises all the fun of raising a child without any of the annoying responsibility of a committed relationship. Plus, do you have any idea how much tail a baby will get us?!?!?!

Naturally, raising a child is no joke, and if we want that kid to be half as awesome as I am, it’s going to take a lot of work. So just what makes Ted and I think we can succeed where Danson, Selleck and Guttenberg failed? Simple: one less moustache.

Below is the preliminary adoption application I filled out on our behalf. I expect a child in my mailbox any day now. Wish us luck!