As you know I hail from a long line of influential historical figures, from the Babylon King Barnnurabi, to the Roman Emperor Barnus Aurelious, to the American President Barnaham Lincoln, to the Goliath National Bank corporate officer Barney Stinson. Today we remember another significant man: Dr. J. Barnert Stinsonheimer, inventor of Stinson’s Hangover Fixer Elixir, which helped end World War II.
During the Second World War, the allied forces had grown tired of getting repeatedly bombed by kamikazes and needed a cure for the debilitating hangovers threatening freedom across the globe. The Americans turned to Dr. J. Barnert Stinsonheimer, a leading scientist in the field of theoretical phys-sex.
Dr. Stinsonheimer began research in 1941 and set up his laboratory in Oak Ridge, Tennessee, to be closer to America’s finest whiskey and bourbon distilleries. There he pioneered such early hangover remedies as the hair of the atomic dog, cold showers in heavy water, and the all-day CSI marathon, but wasn’t satisfied with the results.
Growing sick of country music, Dr. Stinsonheimer moved his operation to Los Alamos, New Mexico, where the constant sunshine and heat helped reproduce the sweats and squint-based headaches so common to hangovers. Over the next few years Stinsonheimer tested various cures in the desert, refining his formula until finally landing on the Fixer Elixir in the spring of 1944. They threw a big party in celebration only to discover in horror that they hadn’t enriched enough Funyun particles to cure themselves the next morning. Plus, they were low on toilet paper.
After introducing the world to his Hangover Fixer Elixir, Dr. Stinsonheimer was awarded the Brobel Peace Prize, and a bevy of Swedish babes.