I’ve just added another holiday to my calendar year: Bangtoberfest! Until this point there was a long dry spell from the In-da-peen-dence Day to Slutoween. Three long months with no particular reason to bang a chick… save for the usual ones: boobs, really big boobs, and if-you-squint-your-eyes-she-kinda-reminds-you-of-your-third-grade-teacher. But no more! Now Bangtoberfest fills this void (and many lucky ladies voids as well).

CALENDAR FOR 37 A.B. (After Barney) AKA 2012

Desperation Day
February 13
The kick-off to the Stinsonian year. It’s the day before Valentine’s Day and the easiest day of the year to get laid. For a more in-depth look at this important holiday – see my blog entry for 2/14/2011

Mardi Bra
February 22
The morning after Mardi Gras. Thanks to the revelries of the night before, many ladies wake up to discover they’ve misplaced their brassieres. Statistically speaking, this is the best day of the year to catch some see-through nip action. True story.

May Day
May 1
A day when a chick must answer any question with: “Yes, you may.” You’re welcome, gentlemen.

My Father Doesn’t Love Me Day
June 17
Known as “Father’s Day” to civilians, the best place to spot a girl willing to celebrate this holiday with you is in the greeting card aisle of your local drug store. She’ll be the one crying as she reads some sappy card about how a dad should “always be there for you,” or “always be willing to give you a hug,” or “always be there to cheer you up when you’re feeling down, like the time he missed your high school graduation even though he promised fifteen times he’d sober up and make it.”

In-da-peen-dence Day
July 4
Slap your wiener in some buns and wait for the fireworks.

October 8
Commemorating the return of single Barney. Celebrate by drinking single malt scotch, wearing a tie with a single Windsor knot, and banging a single mom in a single bed.

Whichever Saturday is closest to October 31
This is your one chance a year to make it with a sexy ketchup bottle.

November 22
Time to remember how important gratitude is. Go out and bang a “4.”

XXXmas, Ha-nookie, Kwanzaa-come-back-to-my-place
All of December
Take your pick from these fine holidays or celebrate all three. The important thing is that whether it’s just one night or seven, you find a special lady to unwrap your package..