As detailed in my best-selling book, “The Playbook,” (available wherever fine books are sold), the ingenious moves I use to ensnare ladies do not just come to me in my dreams… though I have dreamt of what happens when they work (SPOILER: I have sex.).

Crafting a successful play takes hours and hours of dedicated research culminating in a “dry” run where I hope the results are anything but. I generally perform these trials in a smaller market first. That way I can analyze the results and tweak the play before I try tweaking anything else with the local big-league talent.

As you can see, there’s a lot more that goes into determining a play’s success than a simple, “Did I cork the bottle or not?” As I always say: You need quality R & D if you want quality T & A.

On a recent research trip to Cleveland, I tried out five new plays:

– “The World Record Holder”
– “The Patient Zero”
– “The Escaped Manslaughter” (a new version of “The Ex-Con”)
– “The Vampire Mark Zuckerberg”
– “The Hawaiian King”

After each play crashed and burned, I conducted a quick exit interview to help determine how it can be improved. Here is the survey I used for “The Hawaiian King.”


I’m sorry you weren’t able to accommodate my penis at this time. So that I might be able to better bang you or others more attractive than you in the future, please answer the following questions:

1) On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “astronomically far” and 10 being “inches,” how close did this play come to getting it done?
2) If you answered 10, is there anything I can do to close the deal right now?
3) Which of the following props most strongly suggested that I rule sovereign over the Hawaiian islands and their people?
A) The gilded ukulele
B) Skin bronzer
C) “King of Hawaii” keychain
D) My coconut thong
4) Was I not suggestive enough when I asked if you wanted to taste my macadamia nuts?
5) Have you been to or seen pictures of Hawaii? Are you sure, because I own all of that.
6) Would this gambit have worked had I said I was the King of Fiji? What about Africa? It’s way bigger…
7) Do you have any suggestions for how I can improve this play? I’d really appreciate the help since it’s so hard to meet normal women as a secret billionaire.