Due to a lack of awesomeness on the part of my best friends, I find myself without a laser tag partner for the most elite doubles laser tag tournament in the tri-state area: the Poughskeepsie Regional Semi-Annual Laser Tag Invitational! Their loss is your gain, blog readers!

If you think you have the stuff it takes to be my partner and bro, fill out the form below and return it to [email protected]

Application to Stinson’s Way Awesome Team (SWAT)

Name: __________________________________________________________________________

Alias: __________________________________________________________________________

Age: ___________________________________________________________________________

Weight and Height: ________________________________________________________________

How many somersaults can you do in a row? _____________________________________________

How many times have you watched “Die Hard”? ___________________________________________

Favorite Quote? __________________________________________________________________

What’s your wing span? ____________________________________________________________

Do you own your own laser tag equipment? If so, what make and model? (Professional grade only, please) ___________________________________________________________________________

What martial art do you specialize in? _________________________________________________

How many years did you spend training on top of a mountain with a bushy-eybrowed old man? ________________________________________________________________________________

Did you eventually become the master? __________________________________________________

What’s your visual acuity? ____________________________________________________________

Has your vision been enhanced by any sort of super-secret government nanotechnology? __________________________________________________________________________________

Do you own a black turtleneck? _______________________________________________________

Does your family have a history of heart disease? (My lawyer says I have to ask this one) _________________________________________________________________________________

Did you grow up in a survivalist community or third world country where every day was a battle to survive? ________________________________________________________________________________   If yes, did you use lasers to survive? ___________________________________________________   What’s your favorite Mel Brooks movie? __________________________________________________   If you answered anything other than “Spaceballs,” you can stop right here, because there’s no way you can be my partner.   Have you served in the military? _______________________________________________________   Was it one of the secret branches that you’re not supposed to talk about? _______________________   Did you use lasers? _____________________________________________________________   Can you incapacitate someone using only your pinky? ______________________________________   Would you have any moral objection to using your skills on a particularly annoying 14-year-old who’s walked away with the trophy three years running? _________________________________________   How many corn dogs can you eat in a row? ______________________________________________   NOTE: If you have boobs, tear up the application and just send a picture of yourself in Princess Leia’s gold bikini costume from “Return of the Jedi.”   I, the undersigned, residing in the county of _____________, state of ___________, do hereby declare my intent to practice, train and participate in all laser tag related activities set forth by Barney Stinson and the Stinson’s Way Awesome Team (SWAT). I accept that submission of the above application represents my consent to participate in a Battle Royale and/or Capture the Flag to determine the most qualified applicant. I recognize the possibility of physical injury associated with said activity. I release, discharge and agree to hold harmless Barney Stinson, SWAT and his affiliated organizations and sponsors from any and all liability, claims or demands arising from my participation in the above programs, specifically to include any and all claims for personal injuries sustained while present or participating in the programs or traveling to or from events in the programs or while on trips sponsored by or in conjunction to the programs.   The undersigned have read and fully understand and agree to the forgoing.

______________________________________________________  Applicant Signature