I am not Canadian. How do I know this? Because I’m not terrible. Here are just a few of the infinite number of reasons why America is better than Canada…

Comparison USA and Canada


  Cana-duh The United States of Awesome
Population 34.6 million 312 million (over 10x bigger!)
Official Language French and English American
Government Federal parliamentary democracy and constitutional monarchy Not sure, but it’s gotta be better than Canada’s!


Three stripes and a maple leaf Thirteen stripes and fifteen stars. Note to Canada: To clarifiy that’s fifty massive, luminous balls of plasma, that through the monoculear fusion create the energy that powers the entire universe. But definitely stick with the leaf. That’ll get you laid.
Currency The loonie Not the loonie
Favorite sport Hockey Every other sport ever
National anthem "O Canada" "The Star Spangeled Banner" Note to Canada: The title of you anthem is hilariously appropriate.
Landmarks Niagara Falls Niagara Falls AND the Playboy Mansion
General Demeanor Polite Aggressive, nasty, bitter, resentful… In short, kick-ass
Law enforcement Mountie John McClane
Gun policy Individuals who wish to possess firearms must have a valid possession license and must complete the Canadian Firearms Safety Course, weas well as passing a background check and waiting the mandatory 28 day waiting period fire away
Healthcare system Universal and free Poor people die
Famous musicians Celine Dion, Rush, Bare Naked Ladies, Bryan Adams, Paul Anka, Alanis Morissette, Gordon Lightfoot, Nickleback Jon Bon Jovi
Best place to eat Tim Horton’s Hooters
Chicks Pam Anderson Really? Pam Anderson? First of all, she’s super old. Second of all, when she wasn’t old, do you know where she went? I’ll gicve you a hint: It’s direcly south of you and has hotter chicks