I am, if nothing else, a man of integrity. I choose to live a life governed by strict morals that are often difficult to remember. That’s why I’ve simplified everything into one simple, easy-to-understand rule:

Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.

For me, it’s just that simple. Whenever I encounter an ethically gray situation, that one rule almost always guides me in the proper direction.

After you’ve discovered your own “one rule,” you’ll need to commit it to memory. I find it helps to take out a piece of paper and simply write your rule over and over, like this:


“I only have one rule”

  • Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.
  • Never go out with a chick whose last name ends in a vowel.
  • If you’re gonna get it on in a portable toilet, do it early in the day.
  • Never meet a girl’s parents.
  • Never pass up a free sample.
  • Never pet a chicken.
  • If “Don’t Stop Believing” comes on, stop whatever you’re doing and sing along with one hand up in the air.
  • Never check a bag.
  • If it’s yellow, flush it down, too.
  • Never spell check.
  • Never trust a dude with hair past his shoulders.
  • Never trust a dude with hair ON his shoulders.
  • Never delete “Total Recall” from your DVR.
  • Never enter a wine bar. They attract women over 30.
  • Never wear a brown belt with black shoes.
  • No cats.
  • Never take a girl back to your place, especially if your place is the White House.
  • Always wash your hands before returning to work.
  • Never leave home with less than three condoms in your wallet.
  • However old a girl says she is… add five years. However much a girl says she weighs… add twenty pounds.
  • Never make the first or third out at third base.
  • Never meet a girl for lunch.
  • Never repeat yourself.
  • Don’t say the same thing twice.
  • Bang twice, dump once.
  • The longer the line, the better the food.
  • Throw it high, say “goodbye.” Throw it low, you’re going to the show.
  • If you pay your taxes before a court mandates that you do, you’ve paid too soon.
  • When travelling internationally, it’s best to stick to bottled water and avoid ice cubes.
  • C-cups and up.
  • Never run without stretching.
  • Never wear a clip-on.
  • Never use an airplane lavatory.
  • Wait at least an hour after eating before humping.
  • He who smelt it, dealt it.
  • Ask yourself, “What would Ted do?” Then do the opposite.
  • Never order a “small” beer.
  • Black tie is never optional.
  • If someone yells “Duck!” then duck.
  • Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.