An open letter to the Better Business Broreau…
To Whom It May Concern,
I am writing to share my frustration with The Mosby Boys Detective Agency (a.k.a. “Ted”). The Mosby Boys are headed by Theodore Evelyn Mosby, an incompetent “man” who has no business leading an organization. And I should know… I’m his best friend.
Here are some of the issues I’ve encountered in far too many interactions with the Mosby Boys:
The Mosby Boys have been known to launch investigations without consent. Actually, Ted has launched all of his investigations after being expressly told not to.
Mosby Boys investigators frequently present theories in a pompous and drawn-out fashion. On one occasion, after I couldn’t find my phone in the bar, Ted led us on a fruitless, three-hour re-enactment tour around the city before returning to the bar, where I discovered it was in my suit pocket the whole time.
The Mosby Boys uniform appears to be a flannel shirt purchased at a grocery store, ill-fitting jeans, and domestic shoes.
Ted’s collegiate degrees are in the field of architecture, not forensic science. Ted seems to think all he needs is a wrinkled trench coat, a vintage magnifying glass he originally purchased as a “conversation piece,” and a stack of Dick Tracy comic books I found in what I previously-assumed to be his porn box.
The Mosby Boys have an unbelievably bad record at solving mysteries. They’re like the Cleveland sports team of private investigators. Here are a few of their most notable failures:
– “The Case of the Deleted Frontlines” – Despite living with a Canadian at the time, Ted was unable to get to the bottom of who erased his PBS documentaries from the DVR to make room for Stanley Cup playoff games.
– “The Case of the Single Ted” – After some thirty years spent gathering evidence, Ted still has no answer for his perpetual singleness. It wouldn’t be such a tragedy if he actually took advantage of being unattached.
– “The Case of the Crappy Dresser” – Related to the above, but Ted still hasn’t figured out that your belt should match your shoes.
– “The Case of the Vanishing Hotties” – I was in the bar working on a rare twins scenario when Investigator Mosby plopped down at the table and started rehashing clues from “The Case of the Overcharging Dry-Cleaner.” Next thing I know, the twins had disappeared. Still working on that one, Ted???
– “The Pineapple Incident” – One day we’ll let him in on this one.