Okay, not to get all Jerry Seinfeld, but what is the deal with Canadians and donuts? Per capita, Canadians consume more donuts than every Asian country combined. That’s an actual fact. Look it up.

Dying to know what the fascination was with these donuts, I sampled a random dozen. Here are my reviews…

CHOCOLATE GLAZED – The black crust of this delicacy comforts Canadians who spend upwards of thirteen months a year without the sun. Also, based on my time spent there, they add a much-needed sprinkle of diversity.

POWDERED JELLY – Jelly filled white dough? Doesn’t get any more Canadian than that.

BEIGNETS – The only thing worse than a doughnut, is a French doughnut.

BOSTON CRÈME – I used to bang a girl from Boston, and let’s just say—actually I don’t think we can say it. (Checking) Nope. We can’t say it. Family blog and whatnot.

BEAR CLAW – This paw shaped doughnut is a mockery to everything that is food. So a regular doughnut wasn’t big enough for you people? You needed a doughnut with a handle? I’ll never understand why we still let you be a country.

APPLE FRITTERS – Dammit, Canada. Apples are American! They are as American as monster trucks, violence, and inefficient/expensive medical care! Back off!

DONUT HOLES – A smaller version of your beloved donuts. I assume these are used to wean the more desperate cases of fatties off their precious vices. “Hey Gordie, don’t eat that bear claw, just eat like, I don’t know, a hundred doughnut holes.” “Gee, thanks! That’s way healthier, ‘eh?” “God, we’re stupid, ‘eh?” “’Eh!” And then they repeat that entire exchange in French, because they have to.