My buddy recently tried a court case in front of an all-female jury. This was probably the best chance he’ll ever have to score a 13-way but of course he blew it because he’s “married.” What a waste! You see, when you’re litigating a case in front of a jury, you’re basically the star of the show: You’re dressed in an expensive suit, delivering impassioned speeches in a high-pressure environment, and your audience is legally required to sit there and listen. If you’re a lawyer trying a case, there’s simply no excuse for not winning a little jury box.

The secret to sleeping with a hot juress is to stack the deck in your favor before the trial begins. In this way, it’s similar to how you’d secure a legal victory, though sadly not as simple as slipping the judge a key to an Escalade with stacks of cash hidden in the wheel well. It all begins during the “voir dire” process… that’s when lawyers ask potential jurors certain questions before the trial starts. How do I know that? Because I’m fully licensed to practice law.*

Here are a set of interview questions to help ensure a potential juror will be fair, impartial, and most importantly, down to bang your gavel.

1) Please state your name, age, occupation and cup size.

2) Do you or any members of your immediate family or close personal friends work in law enforcement? If so, have they ever threatened a guy who said he’d call you back and then never did?

3) Do you have any brothers that you would describe as bigger than me? By “bigger” I refer to height and weight only, not penis length.

4) Do you have any sisters that you would describe as “crazily competitive” with you? If so, would you say that they’re hotter than you? If so, do you have a picture of them?

5) This trial is expected to last five days and one amazing night. That’s it. No more. Is there anything about the length or scheduling of this trial that would interfere with your ability to serve?

6) What was your age again? And remember, you’re under oath.

7) During deliberations, if you have formed an opinion, would it be difficult for you to keep an open mind and listen to the opinion of others? For example, would you be open to wear a wig and an apron, and speak with a French accent?

8) This case entails some sexually explicit scenarios. Is that something you will be comfortable hearing about and/or participating in?

9) Have you met anyone in this courtroom before? Look really hard, and try to imagine each person with a moustache or perhaps dressed in a uniform, possibly explaining to you that they had to leave early in the morning for a secret mission.

10) In order to ensure that no juror becomes tainted (heh), you will be expected to keep the details of the trial and any further contact with members of the court to yourself. Can you agree to keep this secret? In addition, it is extremely important that you not discuss with other jurors any personal interactions you may experience with members of the court’s members… unless you reasonably think the other juror will become so jealous that she’ll desire a similar interaction.

*…in Indonesia, Space, and certain parts of Louisiana.