For Sale: 2BR/2BA Upper East Side Bang Pad

Make this spacious, modern and attractively-priced sex lair your home! Luxury building in desirable UES neighborhood. Walking distance from the city’s finest tailors, gentlemen’s clubs and laser tag facilities will remind you daily of the first rule of real estate: Brocation, brocation, brocation! Features include: Hardwood floors – like, really hard. Walk-in closets custom designed for suits and I guess whatever else people wear. Large master bedroom offers all the usual luxuries: retractable king bed, hidden IMAX cameras, lube gun. Living room with built-in Jor-El projection closet. Oversized balcony boasts peek-a-boo views of downtown, Central Park, and busty neighbors. True cook’s kitchen features granite countertops that can easily support the weight of three adult women and one awesome dude. All-new appliances include energy-saving, non-functioning cardboard oven that doubles as an escape hatch. Extra-wide hallway conceals storage area with plenty of room for that pesky, ever-growing porn collection. Up-to-date security system with breast-level front door peephole, welcome mat scale, and trick sprinkler triggered by buzz words such as “pregnant,” “background check” and “second date.” NOTE: Totally awesome, life-size Storm Trooper not included.

No low-ball offers (heh). By appointment only – do not disturb owner… unless you’ve got, like, mega jugs.