Well, it’s the first week of the month which can mean only one thing: it’s time for The Greater New York Laser Tag Power Rankings!

10. KAI (down 3 spots from last month)

Kai, you came in at a very respectable 7 last month, but now you’re losing your edge, bro. Part of me thinks you had a little too much ice cream cake at Tristan’s birthday before last week’s match, but hey, different players fuel themselves in different ways. You choose ice cream cake and pizza, I choose Red Bull and a second Red Bull.

9. AIDAN (up 4 spots from last month)

Welcome to the top ten, Aidan. For a kid who spent the majority of the last ten matches crying in a corner, you’re stepping up in a big way. After being falsely accused of wetting your pants in Earth Science, you really took out that aggression in the laser tag arena. Solid use of hatred. Although, try to cut back on the swearing – it’s disrespectful to laser tag.

8. BRAYDEN (up 1 spot from last month)

Brayden, I don’t like admitting when I’m wrong, but here we are. I’ve been calling you Hayden all year. I was wrong. You are Brayden. Nice work, buddy. You earned it.

7. HAYDEN (up 1 spot from last month)

Well, well, well… if it isn’t Fake Brayden. You’re lucky your laser tag play is more consistent than what I think your name is.

6. COY (down 4 spots from last month)

Dropping from number 2 to number 6? Ouchie! I know you’re better than sixth. You could destroy Brayden and Hayden and Aidan with one arm tied behind your back. You know what I think? I think you’re slow playing your hand. I’ve got my eye on you, Coy, and not in a creepy way like that janitor who likes to linger around when we’re stretching.

5. KID WITH ALL THE FRECKLES (up 10 spots from last month)

Where in the hell did those moves come from, Kid With All The Freckles? I have to say, using Coy as a human shield last round? Inspired. It pains me to say this, but I might have to learn your undoubtedly stupid name.

4. TRISTAN (down 1 spot from last month)

So I guess my invite to your 8th birthday got lost in the mail?

3. FAT TRISTAN (up 1 spot from last month)

How did Fat Tristan get an invite and I get nothing?! Unbelievable!

2. KADEN (same spot as last month)

A perennial number 2. The Red Sox to my Yankees. The Kobe to my Shaq. The poop to my pee-pee. Look kid… I know you poured your heart out. Who knows, with a lot of hard work and practice, maybe one day you’ll be number one. But probably not though. Let’s be real.

1. BARNEY STINSON (same spot as last month/every other month ever)

No surprises here. The rich get richer. Literally! I just took home a sweet bonus from the bank for my off-the-chart foreclosure rate!