As you know, I can trace my ancestry to some legendary times and places, including the Russian Empire.  From time to time I like to visit the immensely popular collection of absolutely true stories about those ancestors called “The Brothers Stinsonov.”  Here is one selection from that beloved text.

NOTE: It helps to read the story with a Russian accent… to set the mood.


Moscow. 1809. Night.

Blustery wind howls through empty street. All is quiet but for distant sound of footsteps, staggering on cobblestone like those of weary musk ox or poisoned political enemy.

The footsteps gets louder. And louder once more again. Figure in darkened cloak covering rumpled flannel shirt that all but reads “I given up” steps into street. It is hunched over like person with no concern for posture and breathing hard like man who goes to gym twice a week but only lingers near treadmill sipping protein shake and pretending to stretch “injured” hamstring. The figure pulls back hood revealing hideous, oily face that just ten minutes a night with moisturizer mask would fix. It is more monsters than man.

“I am Theodorovich!” the creature snarls. “Theodorovich Evelyn Mosby! I have come from Clevelansk for your womens!”

Candle in second floor window illuminates soft features of beautiful girl. She has tight rear and skimpy peasant bodice reveals bosom is full C-cupski. And you knows she like to get down. “Who cans save us?” queries girl.

Suddenly, light from waning moon transforms into spotlight on man with hair colored like Ukraine flax and wearing pants so tight you know he’s packing enormous hammer AND sickle. “I will save you!” says man with giant pants missile, “for I am slightly taller than monster!”

“What are they call you, brave soul?” screams the girl.

“My name… is Barnovski.” Then, from nowhere, he pulls out electric guitar and starts wailing like crazy. The monster, Theodorovich, covers ears like baby. “AHHHHHHHHHH!” he yells. “I PREFER MUSIC FROM GIRL BANDS AND NEW-AGE CRAP!”

Scared by awesome guitar solo, Theodorovich retreats to quarters to pleasure himselves.

Joyous townspeoples enter street to offer Barnovski their finest vodka and daughters. But Barnovski settles on girl from window who he bangs all night. Then he bangs other daughters. Not the ugly ones.

And they all live happy after that times.