Loyal Barnerians,

Every once in a while I like to flip through my trusty Bro Notebook, or “Brotebook” (Ó, Ò, Ô… basically I call “dibs”). Amongst the countless pearls of wisdom I stumbled across a realization I made on the way to my wedding: I invited a lot of nut jobs.

You see, at any given wedding, there are always a few ticking time bombs just waiting to go off.  Call them wild cards, call them characters, or call them crazy, but most people just call them family.

Below is the list of guests I thought might reasonably ruin my wedding.  As is so often the case, I didn’t even think of the real wild card…

James Transgendered Duets
Uncle Vic Casual Racist
Aunt Shelly Braless Dance Machine
Cousin Mitch Insanity
Cousin Cecil* Amateur Stuntman
Cousin Alfonso Sexually Attracted To Cakes
Aunt Muriel Frequently Tells Unsolicited, Gory Stories About Life As An E.R. Nurse**
Pop-Pop Backyard Pyrotechnics Choreographer
Aunt Louise Weasel Breeder
Uncle Richard Severe/Explosive Flower Allergy
Little Jimmy Upskirt Photography
Grandma Gladys Chronic Nip-Slippery
Cousin Bernard Plays A Little Fast And Loose With Accepted Rules Of Black Tie Decorum

*    deceased

**  not actually an E.R. nurse