Ducks are arguably the stupidest animals on the entire planet. Strike that. They are the stupidest animals ever to have lived on the planet. Stupider even than the dinosaurs which were so stupid they went extinct. Stupider even than the Stegosaurus which was the stupidest dinosaur of all. I know because I just looked it up on Wikipedia. It had a brain in its butt. That’s how stupid ducks are. Dinosaurs with butt brains were less stupid than them. Know what? Ducks aren’t even the stupidest animals on the planet. They are the stupidest animals in the entire universe, and you know there are planets out there with some pretty stupid animals. Even if there’s a planet out there that has animals made up entirely of Stegosaurus butt brains and Egg McMuffins, ducks are still stupider. By far. And if there’s a parallel universe where ducks think they’re super awesome and can shoot laser beams from their eyes and stuff then guess what? They’re still stupid. Think about it. Are there any good ducks in cartoons? Bugs Bunny: awesome. Snoopy: solid. Mickey Mouse: a little Ted-like but otherwise money. Daffy and Donald: pantless morons. They barely speak English! They say things like, “Sufferin succotash.” What kind of catch phrase it that? Scrooge McDuck is kinda cool because he’s totally loaded and has a swimming pool of gold and a money bin but if you dig deep enough he’s probably not really a duck. He’s probably something awesome, like a dog or an electric guitar dressed up like a duck. Ducks are stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. It’s even in their name. Mallard? Mal = Bad. Lard = Fat. And Fat + Bad = Celibate. That’s just simple math. You know who I really feel sorry for? The platypus. You take an otherwise awesome animal – it’s poisonous, yo (Wikipedia) – then you give it a freakin’ duck bill. Just think how embarrassed all the platypi are walking around with freakin’ duck bills. That’s why they stayed in Australia. They were too embarrassed about their freakin’ duck bills to go live in the real world. So next time you see a platypus say, “I’m sorry, bro. Evolution gave you the short end of the stick,” and offer up a conciliatory fist bump, taking care to avoid the hind limb cause that’s where the calcaneus spur secretes a venom that while non-lethal to humans can still lead to the development of hyperalgesia – a heightened sensitivity to pain. Oh, and next time you see a duck, kick it.