November 01, 2010

Spielberg, Scorsese, Ratner… Know why these giants of the silver screen got into the movies? The casting couch. What other job has attractive women fighting for a chance to spend time alone in a room with you?*

The good news is you don’t actually have to produce a major Hollywood film in order to cram your Davenport full of boobs. You can hold an audition for just about anything: a community theater production of “Spaceballs,” a commercial for your Ebay business specializing in Darryl Strawberry collectible figurines, your awkward family photo…

Q: Do I have to make whatever I held auditions for?

A: Of course not! If someone asks what happened to the epic shot-for-shot remake of “Ben Hur” that they had to audition for in a wet T-shirt you can just deploy the old Hollywood standby: “The funding fell through.” That’s the beauty of lying.

To get going you’ll need to get the word out with something called a “casting notice.” Here’s the one I used recently for my company’s corporate video.

Casting Notice for “GNB Cares”

Major industrial production directed by Barney Stinson, acclaimed avant-garde auteur of the living theater experiment, “The Stinsons.”

Role: Pamela. Goliath National Bank employee. Probably some sort of secretary or whatever it is ladies do in an office.

Seeking: Hotties 18-29. (Please bring three forms of documentation to verify age. Seriously, if you’re over thirty, I will find out.)

Wardrobe has already been selected for this role so actress will need measurements of 34-24-25. (Will accept up to 36 in the bust.)

Skills: Being hot, quick change artist, Thai massage, not allergic to rubber

Please send one head shot, one full length shot (preferably in swimsuit or lingerie), and a shot of you reaching for something. Actually, forget about the head shot.

Audition Sides:

INT. GNB OFFICE – DAY

Pamela enters the office. Her boss,

Mr. Stinson, works feverishly at his desk.

PAMELA

Gee, Mr. Stinson, you sure do look tense.

MR. STINSON

It’s just these gosh-darn contracts.

Pamela walks over to Mr. Stinson and starts massaging his shoulders.

PAMELA

Here, let me help loosen you up.

MR. STINSON

That’s great. Can I return the favor?

Pamela turns to camera.

PAMELA

GNB cares about each other.

FADE TO BLACK.

* Other than “awesome blogger” of course