Recently I was accused of being “The Blitz” – a cursed creature doomed to leave a gathering right before things get awesome. Of course since the second I leave a gathering, so does awesome, it’s impossible for me to ever be The Blitz, Ted.

The whole traumatic ordeal got me thinking about famous Blitzes throughout history. Here are some of my all-time favorite Blitzes…

Uffgo 8000 B.C. Skips out on buddy’s twig-rubbing experiment to hit himself in the head with rocks.
Alexander Eder 1492 Original captain of the Santa Maria. Rather than voyage across the Atlantic, turns the keys over to his first mate Christopher Columbus and jumps ship in Spain so he can fabric shop.
Dan and Rick 1800 Turned down President Jefferson’s request to lead an expedition through the untamed West because they didn’t want to miss their fantasy “hoop rolling” draft.
Lloyd Peachpit 1815 Shot down his best friend Johnny Appleseed’s idea of a road trip to plant their respective fruits on account of wagon sickness.
Otis Wright 1903 Bailed on brothers Wilbur and Orville’s first flight to get a head start on the day’s potato peeling.
Private Turner 1945 Passed on helping his buddies plant the flag on Iwo Jima to “squeeze in a little nappy nap.”
Tim Butler 1953 Hugh Hefner invites him over to spitball magazine ideas but he’s busy affixing streamers to his bicycle’s handlebars.
Gary Armstrong 1969 Bored with the news coverage, Gary changes channels to watch Hollywood Squares and misses his cousin landing on the moon.
Carl MacLaren 1974 Turns down neighbor Eddie Van Halen’s offer to play bass for his fledgling band in order to “get his pong on” at the Laundromat.
Ted Mosby 2010 “Calls it early” and misses all kinds of great stuff like a skateboarding dog, Tom Petty, and generally being awesome. Classic Mosby.