Dear Barney, I’m a really boring person. Most of my nights are spent dusting my antique camera collection and wondering when I’ll meet the future mother of my children. You, on the other hand, have legendary nights every night. How do you do it? Smed Tosbey

Dear Smed,

It’s simple. I am more awesome than you. Also, I never leave my apartment without my Legendary Night Kit (patent pending). As long as I have my trusty tools and weapons, I’m guaranteed a Legendary Night ™ no matter where I’m at or who I’m with. How full-proof is this kit? So full-proof that I’ve had multiple Legendary Nights despite hanging out with:
• An ex-girlfriend
• A Bigfoot enthusiast
• A pregnant chick
• A whiny professor of architecture

You’ve probably never seen me access my Legendary Night Kit because it’s hidden in plain sight. While the casual admirer thinks I’m simply wearing a handmade Italian wool suit, look closer and in addition to the perfect seams, the diamond encrusted pinstripe, and an iridescent sheen achieved only through some ethically questionable sheep husbandry, you might notice the following items:

Around Neck:
TIE – Not just the pièce de résistance in your ensemble, it’s also useful for blindfolding, tethering hands to bedposts, and as a quick escape out the window.

Inner RightBreast Pocket:
PASSPORT (real) – Legendary nights aren’t confined to the good ol’ U.S. of A. How else are you going to see Canadian treasures the Dabrowski Sisters do the only Siamese twin stripper act in North America?

Inner Left Breast Pocket:
PASSPORT (fake) – Prince Edwardo of the Duchy of Bulgravia never has a boring night.

Right Pants Pocket:
GUMMI BEARS – Legendary nights can leave you tired. These rainbow colored little bastards are pure energy.

Left Pants Pocket:
DECK OF CARDS – A round or two of poker breaks the ice with anyone, from a couple of tipsy co-eds, to the roadie for Metallica, to that shady dude you met at the bodega who may or may not be ex KGB. Also: magic tricks.

Right Pants Leg:
SIX RED SOLO CUPS – There’s no such thing as a non-legendary game of Flip Cup.

Left Pants Leg:
LIGHTSABER – No explanation needed for why this is included. A reproduction will do if you can’t get a real one.