Lily Aldrin-Eriksen – Ted’s former roommate – has finally relinquished her vice-like grip on our social lives, leaving behind an enormous power vacuum. Like other attractive voids, I’m the perfect person to fill it.
To help convince the remainder of our friends and prevent them from whining about “the good old days” with Lily, I intend to produce and air the following campaign commercials.
CAMPAIGN AD #1: CHILDREN
[VIDEO] – A bunch of sad children. They should look super pathetic… crying, eating dirt, wearing last year’s fashion trends, etc.
NARRATOR: “For over a decade countless children have gone in need. Why? Because Lily Aldrin’s puritanical ban on strip clubs has prevented their mothers from earning a decent wage.”
[VIDEO] – A stripper stands next to a pole looking forlornly at an empty club.
NARRATOR: “Vote Barney Stinson for Group Leader and re-open the strip club doors. Do it for the children. And boobs.”
[VIDEO] – I walk out on stage and give the stripper a $20 dollar bill. She cries a tear of joy, then starts grinding on me like crazy.
NARRATOR: “Paid for by Barney Stinson for New Group Leader.”
CAMPAIGN AD #2: DECISIONS
[PHOTOGRAPH] – The camera slowly pulls back on a picture of Lily…
NARRATOR: “There’s only one word to describe Lily’s decision-making ability…”
[PHOTOGRAPH] – As the camera pulls back, we reveal it’s her wedding photo and she’s standing next to Marshall.
[STILL PHOTOGRAPH] – Any picture of me.
NARRATOR: “It’s time for change.” “Paid for by Barney Stinson for New Group Leader.”
CAMPAIGN AD #3: ECONOMY
[CHART] – A declining line-graph with the label “American Jobs.”
NARRATOR: “Americans lost millions and millions of jobs with Lily as group leader.”
[PHOTOGRAPH] – Me standing in the office surrounded by a bunch of hot “executive assistants.” NOTE: We can just hire a bunch for the day then cut ‘em loose.
NARRATOR: “Barney Stinson creates jobs.” “Paid for by Barney Stinson for New Group Leader.”
CAMPAIGN AD #4: EGGS
[VIDEO] – Oil simmers in an otherwise empty frying pan.
NARRATOR: “This is your Saturday night.”
[VIDEO] – A hand reaches in over the frying pan and cracks an egg. Suddenly, the frying pan explodes in an epic mushroom cloud of awesomeness.
NARRATOR: “This is your Saturday night with Barney Stinson. Any questions?” “Paid for by Barney Stinson for Group Leader.”
CAMPAIGN #5: LIES
[PHOTOGRAPH] – The sluttiest picture of Lily we can find. If we can’t find anything impressive, we can just superimpose her face on Princess Leia’s body… when she’s in that bikini on Jabba’s sail barge, not in that white, shapeless, flowing frock deal… which, to be fair, she’s not wearing a bra under.
NARRATOR: “Lily says she’ll show us her boobs. But then she never does.”
[PHOTOGRAPH] – Me as Apollo Creed from Halloween.
NARRATOR: “Barney Stinson will go topless for you anytime.” “Paid for by Barney Stinson for Group Leader.”
CAMPAIGN AD #6: CRIME
[PHOTOGRAPH] – Me astride a police horse, holding a laser tag gun aloft.
NARRATOR: “Barney Stinson’s hard on crime.”
[PHOTOGRAPH] – Me punching Ted in the face.
NARRATOR: “Barney Stinson’s hard on lameness.”
[PHOTOGRAPH] – Me punching myself in the face.
NARRATOR: “Barney Stinson’s hard on himself.”
[PHOTOGRAPH] – Me winking at the camera.
NARRATOR: “Barney Stinson: Hard on.” “Paid for by Barney Stinson for Group Leader.”