How many times has this happened to you? You’ve got two people who want to get-it-on trapped in an elevator, but they refuse to bang! Well fret no more, friends, because after several minutes of research and development, I’m proud to announce BARNEY STINSON’S BANGEVATOR CONVERSION KIT. Everything you need to get down while going up. Order now!
– Portable music player loaded with Barney-approved Cram Jams from Barry White, Marvin Gaye, Slayer and other artists sure to get your party in a sensual mood.
– Bucket o’ booze
– Protection – Your first thought in any elevator should always be safety.
– Aphrodisiac foods like oysters, dark chocolate and bananas to help stimulate libido. NOTE: To ensure preservation, all foods will be delivered canned… so you’re probably gonna want to toss a can opener in the drop basket. DOUBLE NOTE: Be sure to clearly label the can opener “CAN OPENER” so that your targets don’t mistakenly confuse it for a pleasure toy… I’ve seen it happen.
– Porn Potpourri – A literal grab bag of erotic media to help kick-start the action for any of your more timid elevator mates.
– Costumes – If getting-it-on in the quaint confines of an office elevator isn’t enough to spice things up, perhaps a nurse outfit, police uniform, or the back half of a two-person horse costume will.
– Cigarettes – For after.
FUN FACT: Did you know that in Great Britain they call elevators “lifts”? Idiots. No wonder we kicked their ass in the Civil War.