If you’ve been reading this blog for the last nine years, which you have, then you’re familiar with some of the universal rules I’ve selflessly shared, like, “If she’s over thirty she better get dirty,” “Stealing hotel shampoo on your first night can triple your haul,” and “Don’t get fat.”

From time to time this running list violates that very last rule and I find it necessary to boil it down to only the most essential. So here now, for your reading pleasure, I present the one true rule for leading an awesome life. Err, three rules. Sorry, make that five simple rules. Okay, now it’s fifteen. Twenty. I’m capping it at twenty! Here are the thirty rules everyone should follow.


1. Play laser tag once a week.
2. Tip generously. We ALL have to make up for Ted.
3. Don’t get married before you’re thirty.
4. Always open a door for a lady. Even if she’s ugly.
5. Own at least one suit, but twelve if you can.
6. Keep your apartment chilly. Nipples reveal themselves at temperatures below 60° F / 150° C.
7. An easy way to score chicks is to pose as a NASCAR driver because they’re rich, dangerous, and nobody knows what they look like because, duh, helmets.
8. Mani-pedis are not just for girls, but drinks with umbrellas emphatically are, Marshall.
9. Two never-fail ways to grease a bouncer: Slip him a $20, or compliment his neck muscles.
10. Have a “guy” for everything.
11. If it seems like the group is almost ready to go, play it safe and yell, “Shotgun!”
12. Remove your keys from your front pocket before receiving a lap dance. It’s called respect. Plus, you’ll feel it on your junk more.
13. Learning to play the air drums will save your life one day.
14. Give at least as many high fives as you get.
15. Subscribe to “O” magazine. It’s full of great tips and tricks for around the house.
16. Have sex in a bathroom stall.
17. If you ever find yourself in a tricky situation, ask yourself, “What would Ted do?” and do the exact opposite.
18. Teacup pigs might be lady-magnets, but they apparently don’t digest chocolate.
19. If you ever meet a contortionist, I swear to God don’t you ever let her go. I am so serious about this. I gotta sit down or something. Maybe drink some water.
20. Trying to ogle two boobs at the same time is like reading in a car – it’ll make you sick.
21. If you’re older than 30 and you do get married, accept the fact that throw pillows will become a big part of your life.
22. Magic is cool, despite what you may have heard from everyone you’ve ever talked to.
23. Never use the word “moist” on a first date.
24. Lick the Liberty Bell.
25. When visiting a strip club, do not sleep on the meatballs. They’re exquisite.
26. Whatever your lifelong dream is, forget it. Your lifelong dream is now “Meet Hugh Hefner.”
27. Do ten little-toe crunches every morning and maybe one day he won’t cry all the way home.
28. Do unto others as you’d have done unto you. Except mouth stuff because, eww, gross.
29. Slender wife, happy life.
30. And most importantly, whatever happens in this life, it’s not legendary unless your friends are there to see it.