Barney's Blog

Uncle Barney’s mail sack

barney stinson blog uncle barneys mail sack

Gather ‘round boys and girls, because it’s time to unload Uncle Barney’s Mail Sack all over everybody.

Dear Uncle Barney,

I’m stuck in the friendzone. How do I get out?

-George S., California

The friendzone?! Well, I guess you could have a highly specialized surgeon attach a set of male genitalia to your body. That’s probably a good start.


Dear Uncle Barney,

What kind of suit do you recommend for a young working girl trying to keep it respectable?

-Amy Q., New York

As long as it shows off your ass, it’s probably appropriate.


Dear Uncle Barney,

If you and the rest of the gang starred in a movie, who would play each of you?

-Laura M., Florida

That’s a tough one. For Lily, I think I’d go with the Wendy’s spokeschick. That cartoon gal. They seem pretty similar. For Marshall, I would probably throw one of the Country Bear Jamboree animatronic dudes in a Vikings’ shirt and call it day. For Ted, we try to cast Bert from Sesame Street (if he’s available). And for Robin, I’m gonna go with Kate Upton… literally, because I would play myself, because let’s face it… who’s more awesome than the most awesomest person on earth? Actually… Gosling could probably play me. Or that new Bond guy.


Dear Uncle Barney,

Being awesome must be very time consuming. What would you say is the hardest part?

-Tim C., Connecticut

The hardest part is probably Lil’ Barney. And to be clear, that’s an ironic nickname, because that dude ain’t lil’. And again to be clear, I’m talking about my penis. It’s big.


Dear Uncle Barney,

In order to reach legendary status, what level of awesome does one need to attain?

-Kyle Q., New York

This is a great question that seems to always comes up at one of my seminars. As everyone knows, there are 13 levels of Awesome, ranging from “Small Woodland Creature Waterskiing Awesomeness” all the way up to “Douchebag Skateboarder Hitting Himself in the Nuts Awesomness.” (To clarify the levels, we’re working on a “belt” system, ala the martial arts, but using fine-grain leather from various endangered species instead… stay tuned.) Unfortunately “Kyle”, to reach Legendary status, one must physically be Barney Stinson, and because of this picayune technicality, you will never be legendary. Bummer, brah.


Dear Uncle Barney,

Do you know what the history of awesome is?

-Maddie M., California

Yes. But you’d never understand it. (See above.)


Dear Uncle Barney,

Do you want to be my wingman?

-Ted Mosby, New York

Oh, that’s just sad.


Uncle Barney’s mail sack

Uncle Barney Stinson's mail sack


Loyal Barninians,

It’s time once again to fondle the old bag with our greasy little fingers. I’m referring, of course, to my trusty mail bag. This is when I bequeath to you – my confused and poorly- dressed fan base – my considerable expertise in various topics including sex, philanthropic responsibility, sex, spiritual development, sex, and sex. Here we go!


Dear Uncle Barney,

Is it okay to finish an entire plate of appetizers at a housewarming party?

-Andy S., Massachusetts

Absolutely. It’s common knowledge that party apps are “first come-first serve.” And if you reverse that phrase, that’s what I have stenciled on the wall above my bed.



Dear Uncle Barney,

An old lady wants to sleep with me. Should I do it?

-Justin G., Florida

By “old lady,” I’m assuming you mean a woman in her early thirties? Regardless, your answer should always be a resounding, “fine.” Because contrary to what you may have been taught in school, old women are people, too.



Dear Uncle Barney,

Do you believe in soulmates?

-Ted Mosby, New York

Ted. Please.



Dear Uncle Barney,

Thank you for submitting the photographs. It’s official. You have the largest penis in the world. Congratulations!

Oh, and by the way, the girls and I really enjoyed the “Washington Monument” tableau 😉

-Elaine B., Guinness Book of World Records

You’re welcome. And if you look closely at the foreground shrubbery, you’ll note how I tastefully paid homage to Washington’s famous cherry blossoms.



Dear Uncle Barney,

What’s the best way to remove three hundred bee stingers from your skin?

-Mickey A., Long Island


I’m no bee expert, but studies have shown there is one consistently effective way to remove a “stinger,” as you call it. In our field of study, we prefer to call it a modified ovipositor, from the Latin, “egg layer.” The key is to swipe over the area with a hard plastic object such as a credit card, taking care to also remove the venom sac, or in your case, sacs. Obviously this wouldn’t be an issue with other members of the Hymenoptera family who immediately retract their ovipositors upon injection, but then again, I’m no bee expert… or, “apiarist.”

  • Eti

    hahaha Ted. Please. best!

  • Кевин Сцхулз

    Ted, Ted, Ted, Teeeed. This is gonna be soooo awesome

  • Jared

    lol. nice try Ted.

  • Husni Ramlan

    “Old women are people too” wink wink lol

  • Chelsea.w

    Soulmates are easy to believing but it’s really hard to find one so sometimes people give up so don’t give up Ted peace out : p

  • Kun

    Uncle Barney, U Rocks!

  • Felix(germany is the best)

    how can i write you in letter for your mail sack

  • Jaka

    Uncle Barney …. you’re the best

  • Артём Пронин

    Awesome 😀

  • Katie

    I think the best way to remove three hundred bee stingers is to invent a time machine, go back in time, and punch yourself for thinking you could be a bee keeper. If you’re not Sherlock Holmes, then don’t do it.

  • Stephen

    classic uncle barney 😀

  • Awesomsness

    I love this guy.

  • Eric

    Lol realy Uncle Barney is no bee expert! 😛