Barney's Blog

That’s the dream

barney-stinson-the-dream
I’m going to let you in on a little secret: My friend Ted is never right. Chalk it up, write it down, remember it. When I told him that going to jail for your bro was “the dream,” I meant it. Ted, however, claims that I have called other things “the dream,” such as a cell phone made out of pretzels and chocolate, or a domesticated tauntaun butler, or a hot chick who loses her short term memory during your refractory period.

What Ted has failed to note though – because he is stupid – is that every time I’ve said, “that’s the dream,” it was all part of an ongoing string. Going to jail for your bro is just the tail end of the greatest dream ever dreamed.

The following is the definitive dream, which I deem the dreamiest. Dreamier even than Gosling, Tatum and Stinson stacked into one giant trench coat, posing as an astonishingly tall businessman. Now THAT’S the dream.

“The Dream”

You wake up in the morning and start your day with a 24 hour dump. Dump Day. While that’s certainly a long time, you now no longer have to poop for an entire year. Because there’s no fear of dumping, your tauntaun butler helps dress you in a suit made of prosciutto so you can eat your way naked. On a full stomach, you travel via jet engine roller skates to a stadium where you enjoy a pack of lions fighting a Tyrannosaurus. Luckily, you’re enjoying this with some chick you just met, who as it turns out is rocking an amazing set of back boobs. After the tyrannosaurus and lions battle to a draw, you ditch Back Boobs and head outside to see a dog driving a motorcycle. How’d he get on there? How does he keep his tail out of the exhaust? Why did the human agree to sit in the sidecar? Nobody knows, but it’s awesome. When you get home, you open your globe bar where the earth has been replaced by a geographic representation of the Barnerian Empire and pour yourself a scotch using ice cubes made out of scotch, so when they melt, you just get more scotch. You settle in with your scotch on the scotch and turn on the TV to a channel that exclusively features elderly people trying to run through thunderstorms. After getting your fill of laughter for the year, you eat your cell phone made out of pretzels and chocolate for a snack, and then switch on some Olympic coverage, which now prominently features the Olympic sport of Laser Tag. You can’t watch for too long though because you have to try to hook up with a bunch of bridesmaids at your best bro’s wedding. By the way, did you know bridesmaid’s dresses have been replaced by yoga pants? On your way back from the wedding you swing by the Sorority Trampoline World Bounce Finals. Why? Because you’re the honorary judge at the Sorority Trampoline World Bounce Finals! For some reason they’re not letting you in though, so, quickly, Gosling, Tatum and you all pile into one giant trench coat, posing as an astonishingly tall businessman. You’re in! You award one of the contestants first place and she gives you your own special award, which you receive again after you discover she’s a hot chick who loses her short term memory during your refractory period. Unfortunately you can’t repeat this forever because you’ve got to race home for one magical night with Lily. Good thing you just had those mirrored carpets installed and had time to put in your contact lens high definition video camera. Uh oh!! Her husband Marshall found out! Holy cow, he raced over here on a flying carpet that uses only flatulence for propulsion and punched you in the face. Your neighbor called the cops! But you take the fall and go to jail for your bro. And that? That’s the dream. For now.

  • autumngamble

    ted is awesome and amazing and better than you

    • lalalasfd

      no way barney way cooler

    • Ted mosby

      A Fan of ted would never compare barney and ted

      ps: Ted sucks! Barney Rules

    • BROSEPHINA

      Barney is my best friend. Not Ted. Ted’s so lame

  • ladybug

    that sounds like one awesome dream . i dig it

  • Kamyab Tizro

    barney I’m dying to have a chat with u :)

    • bro guy

      Me too

  • Levent Çelik

    To be like Justin, and the other guy. Be the one who shall protect the sons of Bro’s (little Bro’s), be the one who is the Heir of Job Called Brotecter, Protecter and Leader of Bro’s. And, that’s The Dream.

    P.S: Rest in Peace Bro. You left the game. I wish that you wouldn’t.

  • basti

    No Ted is never better than barney

  • We’re going to Vegas

    The Bro’s of the show ” How I Eventually Ended Up With Robin.”

  • adorable 123

    barney’s way way cooler then ted “What Up”

    • sunny gogo

      yeah! WHAT UP !!?!!!??!

      • eun

        hi i love u marshall

  • bro guy

    Awsome

  • bro guy

    Right bro

  • barney

    Teds ok

  • barney

    He forgot how he gives the motorcycle dog a high infinity and rides the trex to maclearens and gets free beer and acidental curlys and is thrown in woman jail and has a three way with the female warden and his female cell mate while watching the wedding bride seris they just made and its awesomebecause you know new is better and after getting out for numerous reasons and varoius magic tricks he high infinitys marshal in the face ang earning gold in olimpic lazer tag be beats marshal in the bro games and then he gets it on with the first lady and the warden He forgot how he gives the motorcycle dog a high infinity and rides the trex to maclearens and gets free beer and acidental curlys and is thrown in woman jail and has a three way with the He forgot how he gives the motorcycle dog a high infinity and rides the trex to maclearens and gets free beer and acidental curlys and is thrown in woman jail and has a three way with the female warden and his female cell mate while watching the wedding bride seris they just made and its awesomebecause you know new is better and after getting out for numerous reasons and varoius magic tricks he high infinitys marshal in the face ang earning gold in olimpic lazer tag be beats marshal in the bro games and then he gets it on with the first lady and the warden female warden and his female cell mate while watching the wedding bride seris they just made and its awesomebecause you know new is better and after getting out for numerous reasons and varoius magic tricks he high infinitys marshal in the face ang earning gold in olimpic lazer tag be beats marshal in the bro games and then he gets it on with the first lady and the warden

  • barney

    He forgot how he gives the motorcycle dog a high infinity and rides the trex to maclearens and gets free beer and acidental curlys and is thrown in woman jail and has a three way with the female warden and his female cell mate while watching the wedding bride seris they just made and its awesome because you know new is better and after getting out for numerous reasons and varoius magic tricks he high infinitys marshal in the face ang earning gold in olimpic lazer tag be beats marshal in the bro games and then he gets it on with the first lady and the warden He forgot how he gives the motorcycle dog a high infinity and rides the trex to maclearens and gets free beer and acidental curlys and is thrown in woman jail and has a three way with the He forgot how he gives the motorcycle dog a high infinity and rides the trex to maclearens and gets free beer and acidental curlys and is thrown in woman jail and has a three way with the female warden and his female cell mate while watching the wedding bride seris they just made and its awesomebecause you know new is better and after getting out for numerous reasons and varoius magic tricks he high infinitys marshal in the face ang earning gold in olimpic lazer tag be beats marshal in the bro games and then he gets it on with the first lady and the warden female warden and his female cell mate while watching the wedding bride seris they just made and its awesomebecause you know new is better and after getting out for numerous reasons and varoius magic tricks he high infinitys marshal in the face ang earning gold in olimpic lazer tag be beats marshal in the bro games and then he gets it on with the first lady and the warden

  • Comic Hero

    Best friends shouldn’t compare each other and say who’s better then each other