Have you ever felt like you’re alone in your awesomeness? Hanging around with Ted, I do all the time. Even your best Bro will never be as awesome as you. That’s just simple geometry. But there’s finally something you can do about it.

Below are five “Personality Improvement Cards.” Print them out and give them to your friends, making sure to explain that you’re just trying to help them be more awesome. If they resist, here’s a great quotation from Ralph Waldo Emerson you can use to persuade them: “Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect and total awesomeness.” True story.

Personality Improvement Card #1
Name: Alexander Macintosh
Job: 4-Time Motocross Champion
Quirks: Chugs motor oil before each race. Rarely vomits.

Personality Improvement Card #2
Name: Eddie Lightyear
Job: Drummer
Quirks: Can burp the entire alphabet. In Farsi.

Personality Improvement Card #3
Name: Tawny Gobblestock
Job: Female Porno Director
Quirks: Occasionally insists on getting “involved in the action.” Great with actors.

Personality Improvement Card #4
Name: Jack Moustache
Job: Stuntman
Quirks: Taught Chuck Norris how to fight. Taught Jean-Claude Van Damme how to act.

Personality Improvement Card #5
Name: T.J. Mackey
Job: Seduction Artist / Motivational Speaker
Quirks: Knows how to “seduce and destroy” women. Makes a mean cocktail.