Due to a lack of awesomeness on the part of my best friends, I find myself without a laser tag partner for the most elite doubles laser tag tournament in the tri-state area: the Poughskeepsie Regional Semi-Annual Laser Tag Invitational! Their loss is your gain, blog readers!
If you think you have the stuff it takes to be my partner and bro, fill out the form below and return it to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Application to Stinson’s Way Awesome Team (SWAT)
Weight and Height: ________________________________________________________________
How many somersaults can you do in a row? _____________________________________________
How many times have you watched “Die Hard”? ___________________________________________
Favorite Quote? __________________________________________________________________
What’s your wing span? ____________________________________________________________
Do you own your own laser tag equipment? If so, what make and model? (Professional grade only, please) ___________________________________________________________________________
What martial art do you specialize in? _________________________________________________
How many years did you spend training on top of a mountain with a bushy-eybrowed old man? ________________________________________________________________________________
Did you eventually become the master? __________________________________________________
What’s your visual acuity? ____________________________________________________________
Has your vision been enhanced by any sort of super-secret government nanotechnology? __________________________________________________________________________________
Do you own a black turtleneck? _______________________________________________________
Does your family have a history of heart disease? (My lawyer says I have to ask this one) _________________________________________________________________________________
Did you grow up in a survivalist community or third world country where every day was a battle to survive? ________________________________________________________________________________ If yes, did you use lasers to survive? ___________________________________________________ What’s your favorite Mel Brooks movie? __________________________________________________ If you answered anything other than “Spaceballs,” you can stop right here, because there’s no way you can be my partner. Have you served in the military? _______________________________________________________ Was it one of the secret branches that you’re not supposed to talk about? _______________________ Did you use lasers? _____________________________________________________________ Can you incapacitate someone using only your pinky? ______________________________________ Would you have any moral objection to using your skills on a particularly annoying 14-year-old who’s walked away with the trophy three years running? _________________________________________ How many corn dogs can you eat in a row? ______________________________________________ NOTE: If you have boobs, tear up the application and just send a picture of yourself in Princess Leia’s gold bikini costume from “Return of the Jedi.” I, the undersigned, residing in the county of _____________, state of ___________, do hereby declare my intent to practice, train and participate in all laser tag related activities set forth by Barney Stinson and the Stinson’s Way Awesome Team (SWAT). I accept that submission of the above application represents my consent to participate in a Battle Royale and/or Capture the Flag to determine the most qualified applicant. I recognize the possibility of physical injury associated with said activity. I release, discharge and agree to hold harmless Barney Stinson, SWAT and his affiliated organizations and sponsors from any and all liability, claims or demands arising from my participation in the above programs, specifically to include any and all claims for personal injuries sustained while present or participating in the programs or traveling to or from events in the programs or while on trips sponsored by or in conjunction to the programs. The undersigned have read and fully understand and agree to the forgoing.
______________________________________________________ Applicant Signature