Barney's Blog

The night of the barely living dead

NIGHT OF THE BARELY LIVING DEAD We’ve all had the nightmares. They shuffle toward you, grasping with outstretched limbs. Mouths agape, drool glistening on their chins, they inch closer. Their filmy eyes sunken in their skulls and their withered, sagging flesh draped loosely on their decaying skeletons. Your heart pounds as you realize there is… Continue Reading

Great Grandmother Russia

As you know, I can trace my ancestry to some legendary times and places, including the Russian Empire.  From time to time I like to visit the immensely popular collection of absolutely true stories about those ancestors called “The Brothers Stinsonov.”  Here is one selection from that beloved text. NOTE: It helps to read the… Continue Reading

From the Brotebook – “wild cards”

Loyal Barnerians, Every once in a while I like to flip through my trusty Bro Notebook, or “Brotebook” (Ó, Ò, Ô… basically I call “dibs”). Amongst the countless pearls of wisdom I stumbled across a realization I made on the way to my wedding: I invited a lot of nut jobs. You see, at any given wedding, there… Continue Reading

High-five realty

For Sale: 2BR/2BA Upper East Side Bang Pad Make this spacious, modern and attractively-priced sex lair your home! Luxury building in desirable UES neighborhood. Walking distance from the city’s finest tailors, gentlemen’s clubs and laser tag facilities will remind you daily of the first rule of real estate: Brocation, brocation, brocation! Features include: Hardwood floors… Continue Reading

Public Service Bronouncement

PUBLIC SERVICE BRONOUNCEMENT Just like my hands-on tutorial for tying a tie – be it around your neck (always a windsor) or to the bedpost (clove hitch) – this blog’s main purpose is to educate. With that in mind, I had prepared a post detailing low-cost solutions for establishing reliable drinking water in developing nations… Continue Reading

Greater NY’s Laser Tag Rankings

THE GREATER NEW YORK LASER TAG POWER RANKINGS Well, it’s the first week of the month which can mean only one thing: it’s time for The Greater New York Laser Tag Power Rankings! 10. KAI (down 3 spots from last month) Kai, you came in at a very respectable 7 last month, but now you’re losing… Continue Reading

The Bro Mitzfah

Last night was my bachelor party and in true Stinson fashion, it was legendary.  I suppose a little credit is owed to my fiancée, Robin, who organized the entire night, but most of the credit should go to me because I did all the heavy lifting by coming up with the term “bro mitzvah.”  Now, while a bar mitzvah… Continue Reading


This week my friend Ted used the word “ridonkulous” to describe the body of a potential hottie in the bar, thereby driving the final nail into that word’s coffin. Thank God. You see, words like “ridonkulous” cheapen the English language and, more importantly, make one sound like a complete wad… even if that chick’s body… Continue Reading

Uncle Barney’s mail sack

UNCLE BARNEY’S MAIL SACK (heh) Gather ‘round boys and girls, because it’s time to unload Uncle Barney’s Mail Sack all over everybody. Dear Uncle Barney, I’m stuck in the friendzone. How do I get out? -George S., California The friendzone?! Well, I guess you could have a highly specialized surgeon attach a set of male… Continue Reading

The weekend at Barney’s

Well, I’ve done it again.  I’ve come up with another ingenious play to pick up busty dullards. This one’s gonna knock your socks off, and hopefully hers. I call it… THE WEEKEND AT BARNEY’S Success Rate: 1% Attracts: bodacious beach babes Requirements: beach house, two best friends, rope, sunglasses, mustache Prep Time: approximately three weeks Bummers:… Continue Reading