Slap Judgment

Dear Esteemed Members of the Fifth Circuit Court of Slappeals, I am writing, once again, to formally protest the decision-making and overall incompetence of the current Slap Bet Commissioner, Lily Aldrin. For someone who is supposed to act as an impartial arbiter, it seems all she does is side with her dopey, sausage-fingered husband. In…

That’s the dream

I’m going to let you in on a little secret: My friend Ted is never right. Chalk it up, write it down, remember it. When I told him that going to jail for your bro was “the dream,” I meant it. Ted, however, claims that I have called other things “the dream,” such as a…

Awesome idea exchange

Each person in a group of friends brings something special to the table and my peeps are no exception.  Marshall is chockablock with arcane and useless cryptozoology facts.  Ted supplies the unsolicited grammatical criticism.  And Robin and Lily bring the boobs.  Me?  I’m more of a great ideas guy. Sadly, I’ve realized that I’m way…

The player king of New York City

As many of you know, I was recently elected to the highest office of the biggest city in the United States: Player King of New York City. And while I’m proud to exercise that position (WHAT UP?!?), I’m constantly reminded of the age-old saying: “Heavy is the head that wears the chick-banging crown.” You see,…

Bangevator Conversion Kit

How many times has this happened to you?  You’ve got two people who want to get-it-on trapped in an elevator, but they refuse to bang!  Well fret no more, friends, because after several minutes of research and development, I’m proud to announce BARNEY STINSON’S BANGEVATOR CONVERSION KIT.  Everything you need to get down while going…

Weigh to go

When you meet a chick you think you might marry one day, the first question you ask yourself is: “DEAR LORD, HOW DID I EVER GET MYSELF INTO THIS MESS?!?!”  If you can somehow answer that question, the next question is obvious: “WILL THIS LOVELY LADY EVENTUALLY TURN INTO A BIG FAT FATTY?!?!” We can…

Another grate idea

Like any red-blooded American, from time to time I find myself needing to crawl through an air duct.  Be it to furtively take pictures of ladies in the restroom, escape when they catch you in the act, or hide from authorities after they call the police, for one reason or another, at some point everyone…

Wedding Questionnaire

CHICKEN, FISH, OR WHINY CHICK WHO JUST WANTS TO TALK? Anyone who has ever attended a destination wedding knows how important it is on Friday night to choose the right bang buddy.  Saddle up with a stud and the next two days are sublime; saddle up with a dud and the next two days are…

Fake Listening

People often ask how I got so good at pretending to listen and I always answer, “Totally.”  No matter where you go someone’s going to try to tell you something boring, be it an irate boss, a dying grandparent, or a police officer shouting at you after you’ve finally managed to sneak onto the grounds…

Broliferation

– FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – On the heels of the successful “Bro Codes for Bibles” pilot program in which copies of The Gideon’s Bible were replaced by fresh copies of The Bro Code at select hotels across the country, Barney Stinson Enterprises is pleased to announce a big expansion (WINK!). BSE has reached a deal…

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