Bangevator Conversion Kit

How many times has this happened to you?  You’ve got two people who want to get-it-on trapped in an elevator, but they refuse to bang!  Well fret no more, friends, because after several minutes of research and development, I’m proud to announce BARNEY STINSON’S BANGEVATOR CONVERSION KIT.  Everything you need to get down while going…

Weigh to go

When you meet a chick you think you might marry one day, the first question you ask yourself is: “DEAR LORD, HOW DID I EVER GET MYSELF INTO THIS MESS?!?!”  If you can somehow answer that question, the next question is obvious: “WILL THIS LOVELY LADY EVENTUALLY TURN INTO A BIG FAT FATTY?!?!” We can…

Another grate idea

Like any red-blooded American, from time to time I find myself needing to crawl through an air duct.  Be it to furtively take pictures of ladies in the restroom, escape when they catch you in the act, or hide from authorities after they call the police, for one reason or another, at some point everyone…

Wedding Questionnaire

CHICKEN, FISH, OR WHINY CHICK WHO JUST WANTS TO TALK? Anyone who has ever attended a destination wedding knows how important it is on Friday night to choose the right bang buddy.  Saddle up with a stud and the next two days are sublime; saddle up with a dud and the next two days are…

Fake Listening

People often ask how I got so good at pretending to listen and I always answer, “Totally.”  No matter where you go someone’s going to try to tell you something boring, be it an irate boss, a dying grandparent, or a police officer shouting at you after you’ve finally managed to sneak onto the grounds…

Broliferation

– FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – On the heels of the successful “Bro Codes for Bibles” pilot program in which copies of The Gideon’s Bible were replaced by fresh copies of The Bro Code at select hotels across the country, Barney Stinson Enterprises is pleased to announce a big expansion (WINK!). BSE has reached a deal…

The night of the barely living dead

NIGHT OF THE BARELY LIVING DEAD We’ve all had the nightmares. They shuffle toward you, grasping with outstretched limbs. Mouths agape, drool glistening on their chins, they inch closer. Their filmy eyes sunken in their skulls and their withered, sagging flesh draped loosely on their decaying skeletons. Your heart pounds as you realize there is…

Great Grandmother Russia

As you know, I can trace my ancestry to some legendary times and places, including the Russian Empire.  From time to time I like to visit the immensely popular collection of absolutely true stories about those ancestors called “The Brothers Stinsonov.”  Here is one selection from that beloved text. NOTE: It helps to read the…

From the Brotebook – “wild cards”

Loyal Barnerians, Every once in a while I like to flip through my trusty Bro Notebook, or “Brotebook” (Ó, Ò, Ô… basically I call “dibs”). Amongst the countless pearls of wisdom I stumbled across a realization I made on the way to my wedding: I invited a lot of nut jobs. You see, at any given wedding, there…

High-five realty

For Sale: 2BR/2BA Upper East Side Bang Pad Make this spacious, modern and attractively-priced sex lair your home! Luxury building in desirable UES neighborhood. Walking distance from the city’s finest tailors, gentlemen’s clubs and laser tag facilities will remind you daily of the first rule of real estate: Brocation, brocation, brocation! Features include: Hardwood floors…

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