My one and only rule

I am, if nothing else, a man of integrity. I choose to live a life governed by strict morals that are often difficult to remember. That’s why I’ve simplified everything into one simple, easy-to-understand rule:

Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.

For me, it’s just that simple. Whenever I encounter an ethically gray situation, that one rule almost always guides me in the proper direction.

After you’ve discovered your own “one rule,” you’ll need to commit it to memory. I find it helps to take out a piece of paper and simply write your rule over and over, like this:

 

“I only have one rule”

  • Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.
  • Never go out with a chick whose last name ends in a vowel.
  • If you’re gonna get it on in a portable toilet, do it early in the day.
  • Never meet a girl’s parents.
  • Never pass up a free sample.
  • Never pet a chicken.
  • If “Don’t Stop Believing” comes on, stop whatever you’re doing and sing along with one hand up in the air.
  • Never check a bag.
  • If it’s yellow, flush it down, too.
  • Never spell check.
  • Never trust a dude with hair past his shoulders.
  • Never trust a dude with hair ON his shoulders.
  • Never delete “Total Recall” from your DVR.
  • Never enter a wine bar. They attract women over 30.
  • Never wear a brown belt with black shoes.
  • No cats.
  • Never take a girl back to your place, especially if your place is the White House.
  • Always wash your hands before returning to work.
  • Never leave home with less than three condoms in your wallet.
  • However old a girl says she is… add five years. However much a girl says she weighs… add twenty pounds.
  • Never make the first or third out at third base.
  • Never meet a girl for lunch.
  • Never repeat yourself.
  • Don’t say the same thing twice.
  • Bang twice, dump once.
  • The longer the line, the better the food.
  • Throw it high, say “goodbye.” Throw it low, you’re going to the show.
  • If you pay your taxes before a court mandates that you do, you’ve paid too soon.
  • When travelling internationally, it’s best to stick to bottled water and avoid ice cubes.
  • C-cups and up.
  • Never run without stretching.
  • Never wear a clip-on.
  • Never use an airplane lavatory.
  • Wait at least an hour after eating before humping.
  • He who smelt it, dealt it.
  • Ask yourself, “What would Ted do?” Then do the opposite.
  • Never order a “small” beer.
  • Black tie is never optional.
  • If someone yells “Duck!” then duck.
  • Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.
  • nadia salvarani

    Hello!I’m from Brazil.I’m 20.(that’s the real age don’t add five years lol.I don’t understand some rule like “Never spell check?’ throw high say good-bye throw low you’re going to the show”
    What do you mean?WE’re studying the serie to improve our english,HELP US!!!

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  • AWESOME DHRUV

    Never date a Girl/Ladie from your class or even college/school.

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    Its my pleasure to tell you that your article has fascinated me. You are into a wonderful work. Keep up the work.And yes i have book mark your site http://www.barneystinsonblog.com .

  • KissL (Russia)

    You are AAWEESSOOOME BROO =)I bougt all books)now practise =D
    Stinsons Best of the Best ;0

  • ruben

    unless boobs

  • Pete Andrews

    Barney=Awesome
    Pete=Awesomer

  • Tjeerd Wiersma

    my only rule , there are no rules if the girl is a 10

  • me

    Barney I dont get it..I mean these 2 rules of yours

    Never trust a dude with hair past his shoulders.
    Never trust a dude with hair ON his shoulders.

    I guess you were also one of these once up on a time when u were 23???

    Please explain :)

  • Danni sinding

    YOU ARE AWSOME

  • Clive Correia

    awsome !!!!!!!!!!

  • doctor Who fan

    one rule only. Be Awesome, and your night will be LEGEN- wait for it

  • doctor Who fan

    -DAIRY

  • erickor

    my one rule: it could be unethical, but it’s not illegal…

    • Brotato

      My one rule: Its not gay if you dont make eye contact…

  • awesomeme

    why you said “never spell check”? I don’t get it

    • MissAwesome

      What he meant was, never say “check” out loud. As in a check-list, you know when people walk around and say: “Keys? Check! Wallet? Check!” Never say that! It’s totally lame!

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  • mahan

    a master piece!!!!

  • Himaansoccer

    Awesome ( eye blinking Mode) !!!!

  • Zachkempe

    only one rule: it’s only illegal if you get caught

  • Anonymous

    I have a rule…. if a girl asks you if she is looking fat…. just reply “sweetheart, you have the prettiest eyes ever”… Adam K, iamboredwithstones.com

  • Summer

    marry me barney stinson… seriously ur like
    perfection..

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002139760982 Eugen Pruteanu

    “However old a girl says she is¦ add five years. However much a girl says she weighs¦ add twenty pounds.” haha, true

  • Juan Otto

    This stuff is LEGEN-wait for it-DIARY!!!

  • Luis Manuel

    new is always better

  • david m

    unless she`s hot

  • Freshakon

    Don’t ever fall inlove with a girl ur friend likes. Even if she likes u, or loves u.

  • Master of Awesomeness

    My rule: wear always a suit, for good and for bad…

  • Yashpalsinh

    or say her i have spectecles but i never use it so yap bit

  • CanadaChick

    *Love this!*

  • Mav

    Never have sex with your bros ex? That was one of his main rules yet its not there…?

    • Nade

      That’s the Bro Code.

  • Seattle Nicole

    New is always better and that is my oldest rule which makes it the best!!

  • PuhpuhpuhPlatinuuuuuuum

    Platinum Rule:
    Never loooove thy neighbor.
    “It’s a story older than time my friend and it always plays out in the same 8 steps”.

    8 Steps:

    1. Attraction
    2. Bargaining
    3. Submission
    4. Perks
    5. The Tipping Point
    6. Purgatory
    7. Confrontation
    8. Fallout

    Plus Teds step, #9:
    9. Coexistence

    There you have it, the Platinum Rule.

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