Forget every other rule I’ve ever stated because every other rule I’ve ever stated is old and I have only one rule: New is always better. That being said, there are some places on the Earth, older places – that are pretty cool and shouldn’t necessarily be replaced by newer ones or augmented with bigger boobs.
Below is a list of locations that have earned “landmark” status in my own life.
MY BED: The epicenter of awesomeness. It should be preserved and studied for future generations; many of whom may have been conceived in, on, or under it.
JESSE LANGDORF’S CHILDHOOD HOUSE: Who is Jesse Langdorf? Shame on you for not knowing he was the American tailor who invented the all-weather wrinkle free neck-tie. Pay homage.
CIRO’S PIZZERIA, EAST MEADOW, NY: Drunk, stranded, and disoriented after learning the exciting way why they’re called bridge and tunnel chicks, this local pizza joint totally Bro’d me out with two slices and a half dozen g-knots before directing me to the nearest train station.
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN: World famous arena home to countless classic boxing matches, basketball games, and concerts, this hallowed ground also played host to a thrilling, white-knuckle overtime event in section 323 during an otherwise ho-hum Rangers’ game between me, a chick named Cindy, and her flexible friend; Sarah? Sasha? Something with an “S”
MACLAREN’S BATHROOM: Where I met my best friend Ted Mosby and totally changed his life. Also where I met many of Ted’s dates and totally changed their lives for a solid 5 to 7 minutes. Shhhh!
EMPIRE STATE BUILDING: Cool building that resembles a giant, Art Deco penis.
LUSTY LEOPARD VIP ROOM: Let’s just say you’ll need an ultraviolet light to see my signature.
LINCOLN CENTER FOR THE PERFORMING ARTS: What? A Bro can’t take an evening off and enjoy the Royal Shakespeare Company? Jeeze Louise. Also, I once banged a ballerina backstage.
THE ARCADIAN: Hahahaha! Totally kidding. Tear that bitch down.
SAL’S LASER TAG EMPORIUM, WEST NYACK, NY: A young, unranked laser tag player wins his first invisibility match (and coupon for 1 free funnel cake). That player’s name? Barney Stinson. True story.