Barney's Blog

Interrogation room, sweet interrogation room

In my prolific life as the ultimate bro, I’ve often found myself stuck inside a place I’d rather not be. (And I’m not talking about that Persian lady. You know who you are, K. Kardashian.)

I’m talking about interrogation rooms. If you’re ever being held in a backroom, ask them to point to the specific rule that prevents your actions. Trust me: It always works. Here are some instances where rules have been created solely because of something I’ve done…

“No Llamas at Sea World.”
So I was talking to this chick at MacLaren’s a couple years back and she was a marine biologist. I thought, “Okay great; I have scuba gear at home, this is going to be easy.” What I didn’t know: She was only a marine biologist because she flunked out of veterinary school. (Sidebar: Flunked out of veterinary school? How hard is it to memorize, “Bring in some of your pet’s poop and I’m gonna trim their nails.) Apparently she’s always had a fascination with llamas. I, on the other hand, have always had a fascination with doing it up against the shark tank while those majestic sons-of-bitches swim by. Long story short, she snuck us into Sea World, I called my llama guy, and the rest is history. (It’s not my fault llamas can’t swim or defend themselves.)

“No Sex in the Bathroom.”
This sign has actually been erected, and I do mean erected, in several hundred places in Manhattan. You wouldn’t believe how angry people get when they walk into the bathroom and see me nailing their girlfriend and/or wife. They’re horrified. It’s not like we’re doing it in the handicap stall! (Sidebar: The actual sidebar in the handicap stall actually provides a way to get a ton of torque.)

“No Spiking the Gatorade Cooler with Everclear at a Major Sports Event to Ensure Your Points Spread.”
This is just a ridiculous rule. So what if 7 people went to the hospital… I lost 15 bucks!

“No Fireworks in the Guggenheim.”
Since when is it illegal to take a smoking hot French chick to the Guggenheim, pose as great grandson Ziggy Guggenheim, and light fireworks in the atrium so that this, and I’ll again reiterate, smoking hot French chick, would do it under a Picasso? You win this time, Guggenheim Security… but Ziggy Guggenheim will be back.

“Do Not Pretend Your Personal Laser Tag Gun is a Real Gun.”
So I’m with this girl who thinks I’m a bank robber. Obviously, if I’m going to get her in the mood, I need to rob a bank. It’s not like it was a real gun! It was a laser tag gun! I will say this, GNB should know better. Why would their “Director of INFORMATION REMOVED” ever rob his OWN bank? That’s just ridiculous.

  • Unknown

    Interrogation rooms suck.

  • Awesome !!!

    • SlimShady

      You are the symbol of awesomeness the great barnabus stintson

  • you rock

  • Shasa_12

    legen ….wait for it…..dary

  • awesomeAss

    you are legen…..
    ……wait for it

  • Indeed good sir…

  • The first clue about Barney’s job! He’s the director of something….

    • Will

      Pretty sure it’s literally information removed, because it seems like that’s all he does.

  • The Ninja Report

    Director of Awesomeness

  • Mishchief

    LOL…Barney is AWESOME!

  • Briannaenglish

    Your hot

  • Gaaga123

    You sir are … Legend….. Wait for it
    The time is 2.30 and you have nice boobs… Dairy… Suit up!

  • Mekhman Karimov

    Bro, Kardashian is Armenian, Ask Ted, he would tell you.

  • Drew Busone

    Thanks for the info, Swarley! I’ll definitely keep it in mind!

    • french girl

      lol i totally forgot about

      • french boy

        everybody in France love Swarley!!!

  • XXBarney

    Actual rules made because of me throughout my life:
    -Both shoes must be worn at all times inside the school building.
    -Animal ears or other animal costume accessories should not be worn inside the school building except on Halloween.
    -Pets may not be brought on school grounds or in the school building. (Once was my dog; the other was an event-filled day involving my pet rat)
    -No shoes, no shirt, NO PANTS, no service. (Going into that, I was pretty sure it would result in free drinks. I was very wrong.)
    -Clothing worn to school must have no more than 2 holes.
    -You cannot pierce your lip while class is in session.

    • nonameforyou!

      One time i got in trouble because I started an all out war between 50+ students in where we punted and threw sports balls at each other in the gym. Complex forts were also constructed using gymnastics mats and they made a rule that punting basketballs at other students was not allowed

    • Erin

      i can pierce my lip while class is in session

  • Zeus

    This idea is my idea.

  • Ibrahim

    Swarley keeping it Legendary.

  • tedmosby

    swarly stinson: directo of laser robbing

  • barney stinson

    that is legend wait for it… DARY! waattt uuuppp?
    from your biggest fans

  • michelleneris

    YrD – Lately i would be lacking in $$ and debts were killing me from all angles. that was RIGHT UNTIL i learned to make money on the Internet! I landed on surveymoneymaker period net, and started doing surveys for cash, and yes! i’ve been really more able to get around financialy! I am happy, I did this!! 8SDi