Barney's Blog

The Mermaid Theory

In conclusion, The Mermaid Theory proves that a chick’s hotness – as measured in units of how much you want to bone her – increases in direct proportion to the time exposed to her. (SEE ATTACHED FIGURE)
The theory draws its uniquely and incredibly creative nomenclature from the olden days, before airplanes made boats obsolete… not only as a mode of transportation but also as the preferred vehicle to have sex on.
Sailors and explorers on particularly long voyages found that manatees – those large blubbery water creatures – would magically morph into beautiful mermaids that said sailors wanted to knock flippers with. Thus, the legend of mermaids was born, straight out of the male mind’s unfaltering desire to find something, anything, to stick it to.
For the modern male the theory translates as follows: No matter how hot or unhot a woman is, eventually you will want to sleep with her. The time it takes for this process to occur is the chick’s “Mermaid Clock.” It starts the first time you lay eyes on a chick* and stops ticking the instant you want to get your jam on.

*probably her boobs, though dropping something on the floor to check out her butt is perfectly acceptable. If the latter, I recommend your cell phone because then you can snap a photo while you’re down there – it’s called “multitasking.”

As an example, if you met Scarlett Johansson, her Mermaid Clock would be .00000001 seconds. She’s hot and you would immediately want to inspect those two grapefruits she’s strutting around with. Conversely, if you met a less attractive woman, her clock could last anywhere between a couple of hours (e.g. she’s nearing 30) to a couple of years (e.g. she’s nearing 35).
Chapter Review Questions:
1. Think of the ugliest girl you ever wanted to bone (when alcohol wasn’t prominently involved). How long was her mermaid clock?
2. Can a woman be a mermaid to me but a manatee to all my bros?
3. Where does pregnancy fit in to the Mermaid Theory? Before answering, remember: breast feeding.
  • Carl

    Hey barney i’ve read your playbook and it was awesome.. Thus making me awesome too.. lol.. anyway thank you for this great knowledge you again shared with us.

    Mermaid Theory.. another theory to remember.!

  • Dave

    The Mermaid Theory is spot on, I can’t tell you how accurate this is, utter perfection!

  • Esteban Inda

    Dear Editor:

    I find your article about the mermaid theory very interesting especially the part of the Mermaid clock. I had this classmate way back when I was in college. She was ugly and unhot, this was my first thought the first time I saw her. But suddenly I started to like her in a physical way. I really like this show, because it has so many similarities with real life. So I really think this is not a theory but a fact. You have only to avoid her and not coexist to much with her.

    I have to say though that there are other ways to unmermaid a woman, and there is also a clock for this process.




    Suit up!