Barney's Blog

Failed marriage vows

failed marriage vows

Thumbing through a box of things from my wedding weekend I discovered a few interesting items: props, chains and safety goggles from my nuptial night; a vial of tears from when Ted tried to give his best man speech; and a notebook full of rejected marriage vows.

When you get married, custom dictates that you make a series of promises to your betrothed. Thanks, custom! The problem is that it’s almost impossible to promise something now when you have no idea how you’ll act in the future – it just doesn’t make any sense.

As such, I struggled to land on exactly the right things to say to Robin. Below are the vows I ultimately decided were too personal, too hopeful, or simply too difficult to share with everyone during our wedding.

– I vow to love you forever, unconditionally, unless you pudge out, in which case I’m a Barney-shaped hole in the wall.

– I promise to be there for you in sickness and health, but maybe in the next room if you’re super sick… like mucus-filled tissues thrown everywhere and stuff, because ewww.

– I will always be as faithful to you as I possibly can.

– I vow to stick with you through thick and thin… provided we agree upon an acceptable definition of “thick.” With that in mind, we should also settle on units of measurement: Pounds? Waist size? BMI? 

– All of my possessions that you know about are now your possessions.

– I vow not to have your Grandma help me fix snacks anymore.

– I vow to disappear for only a week during my annual bro trip to Columbia (“Brogota what what?!”).

– I vow to financially support any breast augmentation you seek, as long as you’re going bigger. Duh. 

– I promise to always celebrate the anniversary of this special day with you, unless it conflicts with a major sporting event, gambling trip, or marathon online gaming session. Also, there’s a good chance I’ll forget, so sorry in advance… though maybe you should’ve said something the day before. 

– I vow to not get mad at you for getting mad at me for screwing up.

– You will always be the most beautiful person in the world to me – at least, until the wrinkles arrive.

– I vow to start watching hockey with you… once a month… No, once a year. Nope, hockey’s dumb, not watching it. And neither are you, woman. Now make me French toast.

– I vow to eventually remove all photographic evidence of previous conquests from our shared online cloud folder.

– I vow to keep you in the dark about certain personal assets and activities so that in the event of legal action or government seizure you can invoke plausible deniability.

– I vow to do everything in my power to look identical to the way I do right now, up to and including facial and other body-part reconstruction. Okay, your turn. 

  • Khepriem

    Love it xD

  • Barneystinsonlover

    Me and my friend Leah (Although we call ourselves Barney Buddies)are a real fan of the show seriously NO 1# fans!!! As we live in the UK we haven’t seen your wedding yet but we are looking forward to it you and Robin belong Together but it is such a shame it doesn’t work out! Here are some Collages Me and My friend made of HIMYM to show how much we love the show Hope you like them!! Love your No1 Fans!!! Toni-Marie and Leah!!

    • boo

      They got married broke up n the dumb kids told him to go for robin 10 years later and he did. His wife died. Lilly probly killed her. The end. Best ending ever. Ps: spoiler

      • Ethan Agnew

        his wife got sick and died

        • Jethro Gerhardt

          The worst ending ever. Tracy [The wife] was far more awesome then Robin could ever hope to be.

  • BRUNNO
  • Philip Müller

    I vow to start watching hockey with you… once a month… No, once a year. Nope, hockey’s dumb, not watching it. And neither are you, woman. Now make me French toast. -> BEST VOW EVER 😉

  • Oscar Hrdlicka

    I promise to always celebrate the anniversary of this special day with you, unless it conflicts with a major sporting event, gambling trip, or marathon online gaming session. Also, there’s a good chance I’ll forget, so sorry in advance… though maybe you should’ve said something the day before. Haha he is the Best.

  • ash

    Barney is perfect. Your argument is invalid.

  • barney

    HA Ive seen every episode 10 times

  • sample name

    alert(“hello”)

  • HIMYMBestThinvEver

    Guys, I have just watched the final series (9). I know this will probably never get read but I and crying right now. How is it not super sad! They split up!!!!!!

  • Joao Pedro

    OMG!!! it’s fucking real!!!!

  • Hello Bro, its possible you share my blog? http://www.barneystinson.com.br ?