failed marriage vows

Thumbing through a box of things from my wedding weekend I discovered a few interesting items: props, chains and safety goggles from my nuptial night; a vial of tears from when Ted tried to give his best man speech; and a notebook full of rejected marriage vows.

When you get married, custom dictates that you make a series of promises to your betrothed. Thanks, custom! The problem is that it’s almost impossible to promise something now when you have no idea how you’ll act in the future – it just doesn’t make any sense.

As such, I struggled to land on exactly the right things to say to Robin. Below are the vows I ultimately decided were too personal, too hopeful, or simply too difficult to share with everyone during our wedding.

– I vow to love you forever, unconditionally, unless you pudge out, in which case I’m a Barney-shaped hole in the wall.

– I promise to be there for you in sickness and health, but maybe in the next room if you’re super sick… like mucus-filled tissues thrown everywhere and stuff, because ewww.

– I will always be as faithful to you as I possibly can.

– I vow to stick with you through thick and thin… provided we agree upon an acceptable definition of “thick.” With that in mind, we should also settle on units of measurement: Pounds? Waist size? BMI? 

– All of my possessions that you know about are now your possessions.

– I vow not to have your Grandma help me fix snacks anymore.

– I vow to disappear for only a week during my annual bro trip to Columbia (“Brogota what what?!”).

– I vow to financially support any breast augmentation you seek, as long as you’re going bigger. Duh. 

– I promise to always celebrate the anniversary of this special day with you, unless it conflicts with a major sporting event, gambling trip, or marathon online gaming session. Also, there’s a good chance I’ll forget, so sorry in advance… though maybe you should’ve said something the day before. 

– I vow to not get mad at you for getting mad at me for screwing up.

– You will always be the most beautiful person in the world to me – at least, until the wrinkles arrive.

– I vow to start watching hockey with you… once a month… No, once a year. Nope, hockey’s dumb, not watching it. And neither are you, woman. Now make me French toast.

– I vow to eventually remove all photographic evidence of previous conquests from our shared online cloud folder.

– I vow to keep you in the dark about certain personal assets and activities so that in the event of legal action or government seizure you can invoke plausible deniability.

– I vow to do everything in my power to look identical to the way I do right now, up to and including facial and other body-part reconstruction. Okay, your turn.