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Barney Stinson Blog

High Infinity

High Infinity
A great man once said: “All things in moderation.” Obviously he wasn’t referring to money, sex or snack foods, but generally speaking you don’t want to overdo things, especially the high five.
Since before the age of man, organisms have expressed satisfaction by slapping appendages with other brorganisms; neighboring trees would celebrate ejecting a woodpecker by reaching across to slap branches, prehistoric whales would slap tails after clicking a particular fresh blubber joke, and even the first amoeba to crawl out of the ocean took one look at land and turned back to his amoebros to say, “High flagellum!”
While animals were smart enough to only high five after something truly epic, everything changed after a group of cavemen witnessed two T-Rexes executing an awkward “stubby five.” Since that time, mankind has effectively neutered the importance of the high five by using it for mundane accomplishments like making a free throw, fixing the photocopier, or getting undercharged for drinks at the bar (Actually, that last one’s pretty sweet). Because of all this senseless high-fivery, the world has started to experience high five inflation, or “high five-lation.”
In response, authorities tried to institute a sliding scale in which a “high one” would acknowledge something mundane (e.g. stealing someone’s cab), a “high three” would be reserved for something slightly awesome (e.g. surprise flashing when a chick wearing a skirt stands on a subway grate), and a “high five” would only be invoked for something truly awesome (e.g. getting undercharged for drinks at the bar – the more I think about it the more I think that’s pretty much as good as it gets).
Unfortunately, the high 1-5 system had its flaws, notably how difficult it was for people who are missing digits or can’t count – often the same people. That’s why I’ve yet again come to the rescue by introducing the “high infinity” (copyright, patent pending… all that crap).
Please save the high infinity for only the most awesome of the awesome and remember: you’re not doing it right if you DON’T break your hand.

Failed marriage vows

Thumbing through a box of things from my wedding weekend I discovered a few interesting items: props, chains and safety goggles from my nuptial night; a vial of tears from when Ted tried to give his best man speech; and a notebook full of rejected marriage vows. When you get married, custom dictates that you… Continue Reading


Ever since Blauman stole the accidental curly from my order of fries, the need for someone to codify proper appetizer etiquette has been eating away at me, pun fully intended. The problem is this: because of science, men are biologically programmed to consume everything put in front of them. Unlike their female counterparts, guys don’t… Continue Reading

The Mosby Boys

An open letter to the Better Business Broreau… To Whom It May Concern, I am writing to share my frustration with The Mosby Boys Detective Agency (a.k.a. “Ted”).  The Mosby Boys are headed by Theodore Evelyn Mosby, an incompetent “man” who has no business leading an organization.  And I should know… I’m his best friend.… Continue Reading

Awesome motivational posters for sale

Ho ho ho! Surprise, surprise: My poster guys will probably sell the motivational posters for a last time. This is your chance to make your home or office look much more awesome! Use this coupon code below to save 33% on the posters. You may consider to order together with your friends (then you even… Continue Reading

Suits for sale

Every once in a while a king must step down from his throne to mingle with his subjects. Not only does it stave off the possibility of rebellion but it also allows him to choose some hot peasant chicks to prima knock boots with later. If he’s a good king (like me) and his subjects… Continue Reading

Too many Manhattans

As you know I hail from a long line of influential historical figures, from the Babylon King Barnnurabi, to the Roman Emperor Barnus Aurelious, to the American President Barnaham Lincoln, to the Goliath National Bank corporate officer Barney Stinson.  Today we remember another significant man: Dr. J. Barnert Stinsonheimer, inventor of Stinson’s Hangover Fixer Elixir,… Continue Reading

The awesome rules

If you’ve been reading this blog for the last nine years, which you have, then you’re familiar with some of the universal rules I’ve selflessly shared, like, “If she’s over thirty she better get dirty,” “Stealing hotel shampoo on your first night can triple your haul,” and “Don’t get fat.” From time to time this… Continue Reading

Holiday Ins

The holidays often bring about strong feelings in people: nostalgia, thankfulness, and, of course, horniness.  That means for gents and ladies on the prowl, you don’t necessarily need to bring your A-game.  In fact, the holidays present the perfect opportunity to utilize the minimum effort required of mankind’s most basic move – the pick-up line.… Continue Reading

Blogging under influence

Guyss, I’m not gonna lie. I’ve been doing a liiiiiiittle drinking tonightt. Reel nice single malt with a nose of acorns and AFTERTaste of homey… mmm. Anywaze, I thought I’d finally reveal the ten keys to aweseomenessessity. Oh boy It’s reelee starting too hitt meeee! TWENtee KEYYS tO Beeng AWSOMEE 1. Tha flUr sellp wun… Continue Reading