Barney's Blog

Calling all hotties

November 01, 2010

Spielberg, Scorsese, Ratner… Know why these giants of the silver screen got into the movies? The casting couch. What other job has attractive women fighting for a chance to spend time alone in a room with you?*

The good news is you don’t actually have to produce a major Hollywood film in order to cram your Davenport full of boobs. You can hold an audition for just about anything: a community theater production of “Spaceballs,” a commercial for your Ebay business specializing in Darryl Strawberry collectible figurines, your awkward family photo…

Q: Do I have to make whatever I held auditions for?

A: Of course not! If someone asks what happened to the epic shot-for-shot remake of “Ben Hur” that they had to audition for in a wet T-shirt you can just deploy the old Hollywood standby: “The funding fell through.” That’s the beauty of lying.

To get going you’ll need to get the word out with something called a “casting notice.” Here’s the one I used recently for my company’s corporate video.

Casting Notice for “GNB Cares”

Major industrial production directed by Barney Stinson, acclaimed avant-garde auteur of the living theater experiment, “The Stinsons.”

Role: Pamela. Goliath National Bank employee. Probably some sort of secretary or whatever it is ladies do in an office.

Seeking: Hotties 18-29. (Please bring three forms of documentation to verify age. Seriously, if you’re over thirty, I will find out.)

Wardrobe has already been selected for this role so actress will need measurements of 34-24-25. (Will accept up to 36 in the bust.)

Skills: Being hot, quick change artist, Thai massage, not allergic to rubber

Please send one head shot, one full length shot (preferably in swimsuit or lingerie), and a shot of you reaching for something. Actually, forget about the head shot.

Audition Sides:


Pamela enters the office. Her boss,

Mr. Stinson, works feverishly at his desk.


Gee, Mr. Stinson, you sure do look tense.


It’s just these gosh-darn contracts.

Pamela walks over to Mr. Stinson and starts massaging his shoulders.


Here, let me help loosen you up.


That’s great. Can I return the favor?

Pamela turns to camera.


GNB cares about each other.


* Other than “awesome blogger” of course