Each person in a group of friends brings something special to the table and my peeps are no exception. Marshall is chockablock with arcane and useless cryptozoology facts. Ted supplies the unsolicited grammatical criticism. And Robin and Lily bring the boobs. Me? I’m more of a great ideas guy.
Sadly, I’ve realized that I’m way too busy being awesome to actually develop any of my great ideas. I thought all was lost until I had yet another great idea: Release them to the public and let someone else bring them to life! (… and then sue them if they’re really successful.)
BARNEY STINSON BRAIN GOLD
• SCOTCH TRUCK – Just like a food truck… but with Scotch! Who’s not hitting that up after a long day of work?
• BREAST AUGMENTATION CHANNEL – If we can have channels devoted entirely to golf, game shows, and oxygen (something we can’t even see!), then I think there’s plenty of room for a network that only runs before-and-after boobie pix.
• RAY-BARNS – These sunglasses utilize advanced Barnacle Technology that allows you to check out the honey of your choosing while looking in the complete opposite direction. Also, you can see through her clothing.
• BASKETBALL / COOLER COMBO – It functions just like a regular basketball when you want to ball it up with the bros but pop it open to reveal a fully functional cocktail cooler when you want to ball it up with the chicks.
• CONDOM IN A GUM PACKAGE – As any bro will tell you, it’s weird and uncomfortable walking around with an obvious condom packet in your pocket… especially if you’re rocking today’s skinny jeans. Unfortunately you can no longer use the old “that’s just a small CD case” excuse given the advent of digital music and female intelligence. But now, with your prophylactic of choice cleverly disguised as gum, your date won’t think you’re the kind of guy who’s only interested in sex… even though that’s the only kind of guy there is. NOTE: We might want to design an edible version in case it actually gets confused for gum.
• HOT DOG ON A STICK ON A BUN – Sells itself.
• “HEY, HAS ANYBODY EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU LOOK LIKE A YOUNG JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT?” TALKING KEYCHAIN – 29 for 29. That’s my success rate with that line. With a pre-recorded version ready to go at all times, not only can you save your vocal cords, but you won’t have to worry about slurring your lines. Plus it’s a keychain!
• “LISTEN, I HAD A GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT BUT I’VE GOT A SUPER IMPORTANT, SUPER SECRET SPACE MISSION TO GET TO SO I’VE GOTTA RUN. BUT GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER AND I’LL TOTALLY CALL YOU! I PROMISE! I THINK WE’VE GOT SOMETHING SPECIAL HERE.” TALKING KEYCHAIN – Packaged as a set with the unit above. Heh. Unit.
• WRISTWATCH PHONE – Apparently this product was recently unveiled by a national brand but it definitely came to me in a dream long before that. Also, I had the idea in a dream long before Star Trek, Knight Rider and Dick Tracy, so… yeah. My idea.
• LASER TAG ROCKET LAUNCHER – What’s up now, Timmy Henderson?
• PORTABLE PRESS CONFERENCE – A small briefcase that unfolds into a podium crowned by microphones and a built-in strobe light to mimic flash photography will make you the center of attention wherever you go. Comes complete with a set of chick-attracting statements such as:
o “My goal is to save as many puppies as possible.”
o “I’m not a hero. I just did what anybody else would’ve done if a child fell into a river next to you and all you had was some rope and a trunk full of fashionable ladies shoes that you designed.”
o “I hope that my announcement will alert others to the dangers of Enormous Penis Syndrome.”
• FENCING SHOULD BE MORE POPULAR, RIGHT? – I’m not sure what the specific invention is here but honestly, two dudes fighting with swords? Seems way more exciting than a bunch of cars racing around a circle. Just saying…
• INFLATABLE SEX TOY LIFE RAFT – Just because your boat capsized and sank and now you’re adrift at sea without fresh water or protection from the blistering rays of the sun doesn’t mean it can’t be fun!
• HAWAIIAN SHIRT-SUIT – This three-piece suit woven from breathable Pima cotton and complete with bamboo buttons is perfect for your larger bro who likes to keep it comfortable and light or perhaps your vacationing bro who needs to do more than simply bathing-suit up. Possible marketing slogan? “Aloha means good buy!”