I WAS THERE
Speculation has surfaced over whether or not I – Barney Stinson – was present during a legendary night out. My response: Does Hef’s smoking jacket smell like fine cigars and strawberry lube? Of course! My one and only rule* is that if something awesome happened, I – Barney Stinson – was there. So there’s no further confusion on the subject, let me list a few other events that I most certainly witnessed firsthand:
Baby Marvin’s Conception – I would’ve gone reverse side-saddle, but whatever gets the job done.
The Time Ted Got a Tramp Stamp – I did not miss this epic moment. I was present for the whole thing and definitely not banging whatever-her-name-was reverse side-saddle in the back of a taxi.
The Time Robin Kissed Lily in the Bathroom at a High School Prom – There was tongue. Lots of it. But if they ever want to do it again and maybe let me film it, that’s cool, too.
The “Let’s Go to the Mall” Video Shoot – Sadly, it’s been cut from the final video, but I had an awesome scene where I fought the robot. And won.
Ted’s Eagle Scout Ceremony – Ha, ha. Totally JK. I was not there.
Ted’s Conception – Hello, 1970’s Virginia. Let’s do the hustle, indeed.
13.7 Billion B.C.
The Birth of the Universe – Come on, would I miss the biggest bang of all time?
* Never bet on a team from Cleveland. If your country doesn’t manufacture at least one car then it’s not a country. Never attend a ballet. If it was recorded after 1991 it’s not a good song. Don’t go over to a bro’s place for “beers and brats” – there won’t be any chicks there. Never read a book with more than 250 pages. Traffic laws do not apply when driving a rental car. Never hit on a military man’s girlfriend… unless she’s clearly begging for it, or like, super hot. If a chick says she’s only looking for a good time, get it in writing. Never trust a dude who can play the mandolin. Always look both ways before crossing the street. Never agree to meet someone’s friend who is described as “full of life” – that means she’s over 300 pounds. Never wear jeans to a strip club. Avoid tall chicks. When you’re attending a friend’s birthday at a bar, always “forget” to bring your wallet. When questioned by authorities, your name is Theodore Mosby. Never pass up an opportunity to use a pun. If you can’t use your hands, it isn’t a sport. Only idiots purchase extended warranties. Always ask before trying to high-five the President. Reusable grocery bags are for sissies. Never lend your hirsute neighbor your hedge trimmers. At the airport, choose the X-ray belt with the fastest security agents, not the shortest line. Always shout “Cannonball!” before entering a pool or other body of water. No matter how many boobs the HBO version of the book shows, it’s still super dorky. Never register for a class with a lab component. Never date a chick with more than two pets. If you have to go to court, wear a robe and magistrate’s wig to throw the judge off his game. Never eat an animal that can water ski. If something awesome happened, I – Barney Stinson – was there.